Shift
by bloopy
Summary: In the wake of the events of Covers, Goren and Eames must decide what to leave behind and what to shift as they learn to understand themselves, each other, and what is growing between them. Rated M for mature themes. BA the good stuff.
1. Prologue: Haunted

**K, it seems like I keep forgetting to do this:**

**DISCLAIMER FOR ALL OF TIME by Bloopy: I absolutely 100 bow down to the creator Dick Wolf; the majority of these characters are not mine…I just have my own ideas for how they should spend their time.**

**I'm moving to Tucson to begin life as a college freshman, so I hope you will enjoy the story as much as I will enjoy writing and growing as an author.**

**Now here's some more BA goodness.**

_He couldn't see; he couldn't smell; he couldn't hear…_

…_but he could feel._

_Long hair grazed against his chest, tickling him gently, and slid down his abdomen. Body heat and warm breath softened his skin against her; smooth skin glided effortlessly down his body…_

…_but something was wrong, and he couldn't quite put a finger on it. Was it the way she touched him? No, he had been touched this way before. Was it what was between him? Was it who she was? What was going on?_

_And then suddenly he shivered, and like an avalanche triggered by a rogue cry, he realized what was wrong._

_Her touch was as cold as ice._

_He couldn't hear anything but he knew from how his lips were parting he was screaming, yet his eyes could see nothing but black. He couldn't visibly make her out, but there was no doubt who this was._

_Nicole._

_With her hands getting closer to her prize._

_He tried saying the word "no" but it wasn't coming out. His mouth was dry and horse from the soundless screams and she was almost near his length. "No," he tried to say, wrapping his tongue around the words. "No…no…no…No…."_

"NO!" he yelled, screaming himself awake. His face felt clammy, and reaching his hand to his cheek he felt cold wetness bead against his skin. He looked down at the navy blue comforter trying to stop the nausea from overtaking him as he whispered, "No."

"Bobby!" he heard from the doorway of his room. The voice moved closer to him and turned on the light on the nightstand before taking his hand.

It felt warm.

"Another dream?" she asked, intertwining their fingers as she rubbed her thumb along his palm.

"Yeah," he said quietly, using his loose hand to grab the washcloth that sat on his nightstand for just this purpose and wipe the perspiration off his face. He looked up into her eyes and saw the anxiety that appeared every night he woke up screaming.

She looked down before asking gently, "Would you like me to stay?"

"No," he rushed out quickly, and then regretted it. He saw her eyes change to a slightly misted hazel, which he knew meant she was trying to cover up the ache she felt for him. "No," he said, more slowly this time. "I'll be okay."

"Okay," she said quietly, her voice even. "I'll be in the guest room…if you need me." She gently got off the bed and walked towards the exit, shutting the door softly behind her.

He wanted to call her back, wanted to tell her every little detail that haunted him, every bit of fear and shame…

…but he wasn't ready. He didn't know if he would ever be ready.

He put the washcloth down and leaned back against the headboard; it would be another night with no sleep.


	2. Persuasion

"Eames."

At the moment, Alexandra Eames wasn't concentrating on the case at hand, the seemingly intentional burning of an apartment building in the projects of Harlem. She wasn't concentrating on her lunch, a mixed greens salad filled with candied walnuts, crisp apple slices, and cheese crumbles which she had barely touched. She wasn't even focused on the voice that was coming from her captain's office, calling for her to talk.

The only thing she could focus on was the empty seat in front of her where her partner once sat.

"Eames?"

His desk looked so barren, devoid of the paperwork that crowded hers, or the worn leather folder he carried around full of information. It was a bleak metal tin that no longer saw its owner crouched around it, working intently on catching the perpetrator. It no longer housed all of the files of previous cases, or pens methodically arranged by color. In fact, it no longer looked like it housed anything at all.

Without Goren, it was just a box on four stilts.

"Eames!"

She finally turned around to the sound of Ross' voice. He was standing slightly behind the doorway of his office, his gaze beckoning. "A word?" She stood up, grabbing her file on the case.

"You won't be needing that," he said. She put it down gently on her desk and walked slowly towards his office, dragging her feat against what was to come.

He closed the door as soon as she stepped through the threshold and slipped into the seat across from his desk. "Yes, Captain?" she asked, uneager to hear what he had to say.

"Right now Goren is on paid leave."

"Yes," she said, wanting to spit out _tell me something I don't know…_

"And as you know, he has three months worth of it."

"I know, Captain."

"I know you know, Detective Eames, but I need an answer to a question I've been having for a while now…"

She sighed gently. "If it's about Goren, I don't know how I-"

"Do you think he will be coming back at the end of these three months?" said Ross.

Alex didn't know what to say. _At least he's not still beating around the bush_, she thought, but she honestly didn't know how to answer his question.

The last time she had talked to Bobby about MCS he was in a hospital bed. He had said it was tearing him apart…she was sure that he was done…

…the question was, was he ready to publicly make the break? Was he ready to start over?

Based on how his nights had been going for the week since he had left the hospital, Alex wasn't sure what the answer to that question was.

"I'm not sure," she answered, meeting his eyes for the first time during the conversation. "That's a question you'll have to ask him later."

"Alright," said Ross, accepting that his particular line of questioning would have to cease for the time being; however, he was far from done. "How is he?"

"As good as can be expected," she said briskly. _It's none of his business._

"It's important, Eames," he said as if reading her mind. "For the moment, I am still both of yours' captain and I am still responsible for _both_ of you."

She sighed. "He's still shaken from his captivity, but he's not a danger to anyone or to himself if that's what you're asking…"

"What _is_ he then?"

"He's just…shaken, sir. He has trouble opening up. He doesn't want to talk about it. Frankly, he's doing everything that any normal person in his position would do initially responding to a traumatic event."

"Okay," said Ross. He rapped his fingers against the desk for a second, not liking where he would have to take the conversation. He took a deep breath before asking his next question.

"Are…are you two still…are you both…"

"Yes, _Captain_, we are still involved," she said with a huff. _Just who does he think he is?_ This conversation was starting to get her agitated in all the wrong ways.

"Then…" he sighed, standing up and walking to face the window. "It's strange," he said, watching the clouds temporarily slide in front of the late summer sun and cover the city in grey patches. "Before I came to this squad I felt a responsibility to the officers under my command. I did what it was my duty to do: I informed them; I worked with them; if necessary, I reported them. I slept at night, I woke up, I went to work, and I went home." He turned to face her, saying "It was a cycle and I played my part.

"But now I owe you all more than my responsibility; I owe you my thanks. You four…you and Goren in particular…have sacrificed yourselves time and time again. I've seen you two tear yourselves and each other apart over it and I recognize that…so…" He hesitated, looking back out the window.

"Yes sir?" she asked quietly, knowing that something important was about to be spilled.

"I'm going to do more than usual…I'm going to give you some advice." Her captain looked at her, as if asking her to proceed. She nodded, giving him the go-ahead.

"No one besides the five of us in the NYPD know about you and Goren. Right now, he's on paid leave…but if anyone in Internal Affairs catches wind about your relationship, if anyone with _the right power_ finds out about you two in a way that seems…questionable…"

"We turn from hero's to zero's," said Alex before silently cursing herself. _Hercules, Alex? Really? Someone's been watching too much Disney…_

Ross let out a fleeting chuckle. "As one of my boys would say, yes."

"You mean that our entire undercover operation would change from an unfortunate event to manipulation on our parts?"

He looked at her with grim honesty. "Yes, it could...and Bobby's injury could be perceived as his own misdoing, which means…"

She put her head in her hands. "Which means that he would lose everything before he had the chance to decide if he wanted to give it up."

It was a depressing topic of conversation, but it needed to be addressed. Office romances were frowned upon, but they weren't forbidden…however, what was forbidden was letting personal feelings stand in the way of protecting the badge and the public. If it was assumed that they had been derelict, if they neglected their duties…their reputations, their jobs, and their pensions would all go to hell in a flaming meteor.

"Why are you telling me this?" she said quietly, though she knew the answer…it had been looming on the calendar in her notebook computer.

"My bosses want the paperwork for the Garner-Wallace case by next Friday."

She had always known that her account, their accounts would have to be revealed to the higher ups…she just had never wanted to face what could happen when they would.

She could see the headlines across the newspapers saying _NYPD's Finest Detectives Negligent Lovers…_she could see the looks that her co-workers would give her as she was forced to clean out her desk while the Chief of D's looked on…the disappointment on her family's faces, another Eames disgraced.

"What do we do?" she asked breathlessly, stunned by how heavily this information weighed on her. Two weeks ago she and Bobby sat on a dock ready to give up the world if it meant they could be together; now they just might have it ripped from them in the worst possible way.

"There is only one way I see that this would be twisted in your favor…but if it works, it could help Bobby's, um, _personal_ situation as well as your public dilemma."

"What is it?"

"I am going to professionally recommend that Bobby receive counseling. Hold on a second, Alex, I'm not finished," he said as she began to object. "I am going to _strongly_ recommend that Bobby receive counseling to my bosses _and _suggest that it takes place with Manhattan SVU. I know someone there…a George Huang of the FBI…he works cases with Special Victims as a profiler, so Bobby should feel more comfortable with him than with just any other shrink.

"I am also going to suggest that the case be reviewed by Special Victims before going to the top, because I believe that Nicole had been…_taking advantage_…of her victim. I am also going to talk to their Captain and _advise _him to see how she had taken advantage of the case to twist you two to her will, because-"

"-Because if it looks like we're victims in the situation," said Alex, "then it will be harder for IAB to brand us as selfish hormone driven police officers," she finished for him, rubbing her forehead to clear the overload of advice seeping through her brain waves.

"And," he added, "if your relationship is proven strong, and I mean iron tough, Eames, and committed through what I think we both _know _what Nicole Wallace did, then no officer of the law will be want to be the one to try and discredit you."

Alex sighed, knowing he was right, hating that he was right..._It's the only way,_ she thought, _but why does it have to be the most difficult?_

"When will he start?" she asked, the depression seriously starting to kick in.

"This Thursday," he replied.

"So that gives him a day before hand," she said, "which means if he's going to be ready to go anywhere, I'm going to have to tell him tonight."

_Shit, _she said to herself in her head. _Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit._

Tuesdays and Thursdays were now her least favorite days.

...

She entered his apartment bearing sweet smelling Italian food, knowing that the eggplant parmesan was something that would put Robert Goren in a good mood.

_Doing things in reverse, the peace offering before the punch in the gut._

She rounded the corner of the entryway to see Bobby flipping through channels on the television, seeming disinterested until the smells from the plastic bag she was carrying assaulted his nose. "Italian," he said, smiling gently, "of course you know what I like."

"Always have," she said as she sat next to him on the couch, setting the bag down on the coffee table. "How was your day?" she asked.

"Boring," he said, "I needed something to do so I took apart the hinges on my closet door."

"What? Why?" she asked.

"So I could put it back together," he said as she laughed.

_God, that is such a Goren thing to do._

"So…how was your day?" he asked as he resumed channel flipping.

Rachael Ray, What Not To Wear, Pro's vs. Joes, Dog the Bounty Hunter…he must have gone through ten channels before she said, "We need to talk."

'We need to talk' were four words that had never boded well for Robert Goren in the past. They came when his mother's doctors needed to tell him how much worse she was doing, or when his partners would try to tell him kindly that they wanted to split. They came when he came to the end of a date and the woman would try to politely say she didn't want a second one. They came whenever he was in an okay mood and someone above decided to rain on his Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Alex knew this, and so when she said those four little words she immediately kicked herself mentally for uttering them in the first place.

"Really, it's not that bad," she said, and then hit rewind and then play on her memory as she mentally kicked herself again. _Do I just have a talent for foot in mouth syndrome?_

By the time she had managed to gather her thoughts into less ominous terms, he was already looking at her guardedly.

_Great._

"Bobby," she said, delving straight into uncharted territory, "The captain is recommending that you see a therapist."

Silence

She wasn't expecting this. She had hoped he would begrudgingly just say fine and go back to The Price is Right or something; she had feared he would start screaming "traitor"…

…but the silence, the utter emptiness of how quiet it became, told her he hadn't seen anything like this coming, which was worse than her worst fear, because she had no clue what the next words that came out of his mouth would-

"-what did you say?"

_Shit._

"I said the captain wants you to see a therapist."

"What kind of therapist?"

"Um…" She didn't know what to say, because she knew when she next started talking she would have to disclose the majority of her conversation with Ross.

"Here," she said, reaching into the bag and snagging the box containing Bobby's food. "Eat. It's a long story."

...

Twenty minutes, several sweeping movements, hand gestures, and one breathless Alex later, the last words of her retelling wove the story into a picture she hoped Bobby would see without letting his feelings cloud his judgement.

She hoped wrong.

"So you're saying that I'm basically being forced to talk so someone?" he said, the food long since forgotten on the coffee table and his voice steadily rising.

"Bobby, we don't have any other choice!" she sat there, exhausted. _Hadn't he heard a word she'd said?_

"No, we do have a choice," he said, "We can say no. I can say no."

""Bobby if you say no you're throwing away your career," she said.

"Then they can have it," he said angrily, "I'm not going back anyways."

"Well then, you'd be throwing away my career," she said quietly.

The heat to his loss of cool suddenly vanished; she knew he would never do anything that would _intentionally_ jeopardize her happiness. Instead of continuing with his argument, he put his head in his hands and breathed a long, steady breath before saying, "Is this really happening?"

"Yeah," she said, putting a hand on his shoulder and gently rubbing, "it is."

"This bites," he said, his head still bent towards the ground.

"I know," she agreed, "but right now, it could be the only thing that will save us…and it might help for you to talk to _someone_."

She regretted that inflection as soon as she said the word, watching its effect make Bobby wince. He still wasn't able to talk to her about anything that happened, even though now that he knew his situation was going to be handled by sex crimes, he had to have figured out she at least knew something very wrong had gone down.

She really wished that he would talk to her, but she knew it might help to have someone with some distance help him deal with it…

…at least, that was what she had been telling herself. Deep down, she realized, she felt like he owed it to her to tell her the truth. She knew it was wrong, she thought it was wrong, but she felt like she should be the first one to know. _Obviously,_ she thought, _that isn't how it is going to happen._

So when he said, "You're right, I probably should see Dr. Huang," she felt two things.

First, he finally trusted her enough to see a therapist.

Second, he didn't trust her enough to talk straight to her, and in the deep recesses of her mind where she kept her darkest and most dangerous thoughts, that meant he didn't trust her at all.


	3. Step Back

**A/N: Okay, here's the deal:**

**I know a lot of you are probably wondering "Is she gonna pair any of the other detectives up? Is it going to be a multi-shipping Law and Order love fest?"**

**Here's your answer: NOPE.**

**Why? Because for this fanfic I want to keep it focused on the truth of the story, and it is centered around this pair in this circumstance for a reason…so just hang in with me here, everyone/everyone shippers, I promise you will enjoy this story; this fic will be purely BA**

Trepidation didn't begin to describe how wary Bobby was of walking into the 16th Precinct.

First of all, he was walking into a police station, someplace that automatically made him dredge up old memories of working side by side with a partner. Today, he walked out of the elevator and into the lobby alone; he had told Alex that he could handle going by himself. _I don't want to make her think I'm vulnerable, _he thought as he walked slowly towards the curve in the hall,_ not after she found out I had to come here._

And that brought his wandering mind to the second thing: he was there as the _victim_. He flinched as his brain came upon that word, wrapping itself slowly around the idea that he was here because he had been hurt…because he had been-

"Hey," he said to the nearest person he could find, getting his mind as far away from that thought as possible. "Do you know where I can find, um…" he thought, running a list of names through his brain for the one he was looking for and striking gold. "Detective Benson?"

"Benson?" He asked, turning towards the office as he spread his legs apart and took the stance while his hands cupped his mouth. "Liv!" he yelled, "Come here!"

"Shut up, Stabler!" he heard from multiple people on the other side of the hall.

He grinned and turned back towards Bobby. "I guess I'll just have to take you to her, then," he said, extending a hand. "Detective Stabler."

"Detect-" he began, but stopped midway and said, "Bobby." He took the man's hand and gave it a firm shake before following him into the squad room.

It all seemed a lot more…homey than major case. The walls weren't decorated in stale white and blue, the desks he passed by had pictures on them of family members and friends, and there seemed to be a lot more room to breathe. As he made his way through the office he saw co workers chatting between taking sips of coffee and taking calls, partners joking about who had to do the next batch of paperwork.

_It seemed like their job definitions would call for a more depressing atmosphere._

He saw his guide nod to the pair of desks a few feet away from where they had stopped and said, "That's her."

As if responding on cue, her chocolate colored eyes looked up from her computer and at Bobby as her mouth warmed into a smile. "You must be Detective Goren," she said, standing up and walking over to him. "It's nice to meet you," she said, extending her hand. "I'm Olivia."

"Wait," said Stabler, turning to face the female detective, "he's the guy?"

"Elliot, how many grown men come actively looking for me?" she said sarcastically.

Bobby knew that if he hadn't been so preoccupied about the day's events he would have blushed. The woman before him was obviously attractive: tall with short clipped brown hair and a straightforward kind of beauty. It seemed as if she had a self assurance similar to his Eames, but whether that was due to the way the job treated women or she was especially resilient he didn't know.

Elliot turned back to Bobby, his blue eyes filled with a new kind of reverence. "It's good to know you're safe," he said with the utmost sincerity. "Your case is our top priority."

"Thanks," said Bobby, bringing his eyes into a staring contest with the linoleum floor. A lot of times he hated the blue wall, a line in the sand that with his job had always made work difficult; now, however, he started to see the one of the benefits...knowing that they shared your fears and your respect.

"I'll bet it's a lot of paperwork," he said, tearing his eyes away from the ground for the sake of being polite.

"Not that much," said Elliot, shrugging it off.

Olivia let out a laugh before lightly shoving Elliot's shoulder. "Says the man who gives all of it to me," she joked as she pointed to their desks. Sure enough, Olivia's was piled with forms and folders while Elliot's desk held a sandwich and some pens.

"Right, Liv, and who was the person who did all of the closing paperwork for the Morrison case?"

"After I did all of the paperwork the week before," she countered as she put a hand on Bobby's shoulder and said, "This way."

As she guided him up a flight of stairs he saw the other man mutter to himself and walk towards the coffee pot.

"To be honest," she said as they reached the top flight, "we've been alternating for this case."

He looked around to see a sort of lounge area, with a couch and a coffee table set against a banister that overlooked the office. "Please," she said pointing to the couch, "Have a seat." He moved and sat down as she took a seat to the left of him in a chair, tucking back her short brown hair before she spoke.

"I'm guessing this is all pretty awkward for you," she said, her gaze steady and understanding.

"Yeah," said Bobby as he let out a long breath.

"Well, I'm not going to lie, despite our jabs at each other my partner and I have read over your case in detail," she said, looking out towards the officers in the room. "We read over both you and your partner's accounts, your captains account, Detective Logan's and Detective Wheeler's, and today we're going to take a better look at the evidence and the suspects Wallace, Basset, and Middleton." She looked back at Bobby, the magnetic pull of her voice forcing him to look in her direction. "Why do you think I am telling you this?" she asked, her eyes clearly seeking the truth from his.

Suddenly Bobby understood why the area was so comfortable, why Detectives Benson and Stabler seemed so trustworthy, why the environment was so relaxed…all of it, the entire atmosphere, was designed to get victims, witnesses, and criminals to talk.

At that moment, Bobby realized that it was working.

"Because you know about the relationship," he said quietly.

Benson smiled. "That's the truth," she said, resting her hands in her lap. "Yesterday, our captain called us into his office and gave us your case, saying to keep an open mind…of course, Elliot and I had no clue what he was talking about because the case seemed open and shut: a perp tried to kill a cop. But as we started reading through the documents and piecing it together, we uncovered a lot more. At first my partner and I, well…we disagreed on how to handle it…but at the end of the day we came to the conclusion that we would let George make the final call."

Bobby sighed, and looked down at the floor. "By final call, you mean-"

"I mean that if he believes that your relationship with Detective Eames was a detriment to the protection of the public, we'll have to hand the case on…but if he believes that your relationship was taken advantage of by Wallace and is stable, then we will follow his lead."

He looked back up at the woman who had placed all of his hopes and fears in the hands of a phsyciatrist. Her eyes held something else this time, something he hadn't been able to quite make out before: sympathy.

"This isn't going to be easy," she said, "but I think that you will prove Detective Stabler and I right; I think you will come out of this better than you seem to be now."

"Thank you," said Bobby, recognizing his cue and standing up. He turned towards the stairs, but before walking down he turned back to face her. "Detective Benson?"

"Yes?" she said.

"If you were in my situation, what would you say to Dr. Huang this afternoon?"

"The truth," she said gently, "Every word of it, because right now that's what I think you need to hear."

...

When Alex came home, she walked past the kitchen where smells of pasta were wafting and straight to her partner, anxious to hear how his day went. As she plopped down on the couch, she turned her eyes eagerly towards Bobby and asked with a smile, "How'd it go?"

_The big hand on the clock reached the five, and with a throat clearing from George Huang, Bobby realized his session was over without having said a word._

"_I'm sorry," Bobby said, bringing his eyes up from the ground for the first time in an hour. "I guess I haven't been very forthcoming."_

"_It's okay, Detective Goren-"_

"_-Bobby, please call me Bobby."_

"_Bobby," said Huang, "I've been working with patients recovering from trauma for years, and I know it's going to take a while before you feel comfortable enough to open up. What's important is that you know that you'll need to speak about what happened before it will get better."_

"_It's just," Bobby said, sighing as his eyes met the ground again. "It's just…hard…"_

"…_being on the other side of the table?" the doctor finished. _

"_Yes."_

"_It must be uncomfortable, going from profiling to being profiled."_

"_It is."_

"_All I can say," Huang responded, "is that if you were in my position, you would hope that your patient would be able to come to terms with his trauma eventually."_

"_Okay," Bobby said, rising from his seat. "Thank you Dr. Huang."_

"_Bobby?" he heard over his shoulder as he was walking towards the door._

"_Yes?"_

"_The first step is admitting the trauma to yourself."_

"It went okay," he said, turning his attention back to his newspaper.

"Come on, Bobby, it had to have been something more than just an 'okay'…what happened?"

"Really, Eames, it wasn't much."

"Oh," he heard her say as she pulled away to the other side of the couch. He felt the spot that once felt warm next to him slowly become cold as they were enveloped in silence.

"Alex," he said finally, putting the paper down and turning to face her. "I'm sorry. It's just not an easy thing to talk about."

"I know," she said, and he felt her hand on his shoulder once again, comforting him. He felt reassured by her touch, just another wave in the ocean of support that was his Eames. He leaned into her one handed embrace and felt a pair of lips press themselves against his forehead.

"I love you," he heard her say as the kiss moved down to his own lips.

'Gentle' was probably the best word to describe her actions. She was gentle in the way she wrapped her free arm around his shoulder, gentle in the way she pressed her mouth against his, gentle as she ran her fingers down his chest…

…but he froze as her fingers lazily kept on wandering down his abdomen, coming closer and closer to his core, everything that he had left, everything that had been taken, used, and violated. She took no notice of his change in demeanor, her hand moving slowly nearer to his-

"NO!" he said forcefully as he pushed her away from him.

She grunted as she fell against the backboard of the couch hard, his unexpected strength an obvious surprise due to the look of shock on her face. "Bobby!" she said horrified, and he could automatically tell she had no clue what had made him so cold…

…but he couldn't speak, couldn't utter one syllable because he was equally as horrified that she would seek something from him that had been so defiled.

He got up, backing away from the couch slowly as he shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Eames…I just can't."

And then he was gone, the door to his room shut behind him.


	4. Honest Waters

Alexandra Eames didn't know what to think. There was no question about what had happened: Bobby had shoved her away from him with enough force to knock the wind out of a 300 pound man, let alone a 115 pound woman…and then he had left, with no more explanation than a rushed "I'm sorry".

Now she was at work, staring across at an empty desk, and wondering if she would ever be able to get into his head like he could get in hers. Why he had hurt her, she didn't know, but even more confusing was what she had done to hurt him. _Was it something I said? Did I do anything wrong?_

It had just been a simple kiss. She pressed her lips against hers, he reciprocated…it was a custom that stretched back to ancient civilization, yet she couldn't have imagined his apprehension as a result. She wondered if maybe she would have done anything differently if she had known what would happen after…

…_she sat on the couch, stunned. Robert Goren, her partner, her lover, had just run her into the backboard. Her chest hurt from heaving, lungs burning from the sudden gasp of air she took as she was thrust backwards. She could still feel the imprint of his hands against her abdomen, still feel the hurt as he pushed her away in every possible way…_

…_it had been an hour, and his door was still shut. She had walked up to the door and listened for his breathing, movement, anything to tell her he was okay, but she heard nothing. She just sat in the guest room, wondering exactly when in Goren's mind she had gone from welcome guest to intruder…_

…_the alarm went off, but she hadn't gotten any sleep. She went into the hall bathroom and took a shower, hoping that the streaming jet of water would spray some of the hurt she felt away from her body…_

…_she felt so confused she was starting to ache. She sat there in his kitchen, stirring her coffee as she looked between the cup of French Roast that sat there for him and his bedroom door, which hadn't budged a millimeter…_

…and now here she was, 11 AM, still wondering if he was in that damn room. She finally thought she knew how Bobby felt when she was away for the day: empty and confused.

_That's it. _

She got out of her chair as she closed the file on her case and walked towards Ross' office. Alex Eames wasn't one to pull hookie, but because of Bobby's actions she really did feel sick to her stomach.

…

"Hey Nate, you want to get a hot dog?"

Her little blond headed nephew ran ahead up the path to the vendor as she walked behind him, smiling as he jumped up and down in front of the whitewashed cart. It was late summer in New York City, and the stagnant heat seemed to invite lazy days in Central Park, sitting with a loved one on a park bench and enjoying the willow trees that danced along the lake…

…it also provided a good place for Alex to clear her head.

"Aunt Alex! Aunt Alex! I want that one!" he yelled back at her, turning his chubby five year old face towards the sunlight. She never ceased to marvel at how much he had grown since she saw him last, how much his smile came from his eyes and his dimples as well as his mouth. _Did he have dimples the last time I saw him? I don't remember._

Her recent undercover stint was the longest she had ever gone without seeing her nephew, and because of their bond, it had been too long; when her captain had given her the day off without a need for explanation, she knew exactly who to call.

She looked up at the box that held hot dogs, churros, popcorn…and an extremely large salted pretzel. "You sure? It looks pretty big," she said, ruffling his hair.

"Please!" he asked, latching onto her hips in an attempt at a hug.

She looked down into his bright blue eyes and smiled. "Okay, Nate, just for you."

_This kid is going to be such a charmer._

He reached his hand up to the smooth metal surface that his forehead barely met and took the pretzel from the vendor as Alex slid the money across. "What do we say, kid?" she said as she looked at him take a huge bite.

With the pretzel in his mouth the words "Thank you!" were nearly indistinguishable, but he was trying.

They walked down to the lake and sat on a bench, watching the ducks go by. Nathan leaned into Alex's side and she wrapped her arm around his shoulder, and for a few minutes they just enjoyed the light breeze that broke through the summer heat.

"Hey Aunt Alex?" she heard and turned her head down to look into his.

"Yeah, Nate?"

"I have a question…"

"Okay," she said.

He scrunched up his forehead in confusion before he spoke again. "Why did Gracie throw mud at me when I told her she was pretty?"

Alex's smile knew no bounds as she let herself laugh. "Well, kiddo, from what you told me Gracie likes to hang out with you boys, right?"

"Yep," he said, rubbing his nose.

"Maybe she doesn't think being called pretty is a good compliment…a lot of girls your age usually don't really think about those kind of things."

"Okay," he replied, his face and body relaxing. He nestled more comfortably between Alex's arm and her side as he said, "I just thought 'cause of your friend."

"What? What do you mean?" she said as she cranked her head back in his direction.

"Your friend Bobby," he said sleepily, "You liiike him…I can tell."

"Really?" she said, embarrassed but slightly proud that he was so observant.

"He's nice," Nathan said, yawning. "I hope you don't throw anything at him…mud…is…"

He tuckered out before he finished his sentence.

Alex stared at the lake, hoping that some force of nature would guide her in the right direction. She tightened her hold on Nathan as a cool breeze came by, giving her arms goose bumps.

After ten minutes the gentle ripples of the water still told her nothing, but the shadow from the willows told her the time. She looked to her watch and saw the little hand point to the five. _Time to get Nate home._

As they walked out of the park she knew she had to quit stalling; nothing would be accomplished unless she had Bobby in front of her and willing to talk.

…

It was the quietest the apartment had ever been. She could hear the front door shut and the latch lock into place, her quiet padded footsteps moving towards his bedroom door, and the yielding sound as it squeaked open.

"Bobby?" she questioned as she entered the room.

She heard a faint sound from the bed. Walking over, she saw his frame tossing and turning as he whispered incoherently. As she got to his nightstand he jerked up, eyes wide open in terror.

"Bobby, it's me, it's okay!" she said as he gripped her hand tightly.

"Eames?" he said as his body relaxed out of the nightmare.

"Yeah, Bobby, I'm here."

"It was horrible," he said as he fell back into the bed, his body exhausted.

"I…I know."

There was silence for a few moments as Bobby's breathing went back to its normal pace and his hand relaxed in hers. She stroked her thumb along his wrist before saying, "I need to ask you a question."

"Okay," Bobby said weakly.

Alex took a few seconds before asking, "Can you tell the difference between when Nicole touched you and I do?"

He jerked back up as a slew of words poured through his lips. "You feel nothing like Nicole! She has no feelings, no emotions. She doesn't care about anybody, no connections…she feels so cold and hard and uncaring and…twisted…and you're so…you're so _warm_!"

"Then why…why did you…"

He took his hand back and turned away from her. "Alex, I…I can't-"

"Yes you damn well can!" she yelled before she realized she had raised her voice. Bobby turned back to look at her, shocked by her emotion. "Bobby, you threw me against a couch and then left and locked yourself in a room all night! Whatever is going on with you, I need to know…now."

"Alex, you don't understand-"

"-and I don't need to understand everything. All I need to know is what set you off yesterday."

His breathing became deep as he mustered the courage to talk. "The only thing I can say," he began, "is that when we were…kissing…it felt like it was going too far…it felt like _you _were taking it too far."

_He thought I was pushing him._ It all made sense at that moment: her movements towards him, his movements away, their shift apart. If she had known that he was thinking what he was thinking…

"Bobby," she said, her anger dissipating as she sat on the edge of the bed, "I won't force you to do anything you're not ready for…I didn't even know that you thought that I was."

"But I thought you-"

"Listen," she said, stopping him mid-sentence. "If you want to wait, a month, a year…whatever it takes, do you understand? I'm not just in this for sex." She looked down at her hands. "I'm here because I love you."

He was silent, and in the dimming light she didn't see his hands wind around her waist until she felt him envelop her in a bear hug.

"Whatever it takes," she whispered in his ear, and meant it.


	5. Misplaced Lust

**A/N: Sorry I have taken so long in posting; settling into college has been really time consuming. I promise more regular writing will be put into practice. Anyway, back to the story…**

_Two weeks later…_

"Hello, Dr. Huang."

"Hello, Bobby. Please, take a seat."

Bobby leaned back into the couch and exhaled. Over the past few weeks, his conversations with the doctor had grown from strained and silent to casual and relaxed, and surprisingly even to him, Huang had let him get away with not talking about the case or the rape. Whether it was a stall tactic or a way of getting the patient comfortable, Bobby could not tell, but he knew that with every session he was growing to feel more at ease.

"So how is Alex?"

The one area of Bobby's life that he had no reservations talking to the doctor about was his love for Alex. It was apparent to him that for the case, their relationship would have to be the saving grace, and as long as he was able to think of it beyond himself, he didn't have to cope with whatever restrained feelings that relationship might be harboring inside his mind.

"She's working on the Harlem case a lot…she comes home pretty late now and is usually pretty exhausted, and then in the morning I go into the kitchen and see that she's already left, so-"

"-So you and Alex don't share the same bed."

"What?" Bobby said, straightening stiffly, the question coming out of left field.

"I was just remarking on how you said you went _into the kitchen_ and noticed she's gone…I just assumed that meant you weren't sleeping in the same room."

"…we've just…we just want to take things slow, is all."

"Bobby, I've read the report by Alex, and I saw that she has noticeably written that during the case she's seen when you were not _in bed_." Huang looked kindly at Bobby, whose eyes were trained on the carpet.

"Bobby, it's been two weeks, and we've talked about everything from the Yankees to the profiling of mentally handicapped persons, but that's not helping you. What I can tell will help you isn't going to necessarily be found in this room…it's something that is going to be found inside of you."

He paused for a second and let out a breath before walking into Goren's abyss.

"When you see Alex, what do you think? What does she make you feel?"

"She's beautiful," he said reflexively before he even realized he began to talk. "Everything about her is gorgeous, her eyes, her hair, her body…before…everything…I dated girls she liked to call 'Amazon Warriors', tall, brunette…but at the end of the day my mind would always be drawn back to my pint sized partner and how anyone else really couldn't compare to how amazing she was…that's the other thing…people would see me at a crime scene or in the interrogation room and think, 'he's crazy, but he's brilliant'…how would they react when they saw what 6 months without her could do to me? In all honesty, she is the smartest, most compassionate, most truthful detective I have ever met, let alone woman, let alone person…they just don't realize how little I am without her."

"You really love her."

"Without a doubt."

"You say you are little without her," Huang commented.

Bobby nodded, eyes still cast towards the floor.

"How do you think she is handling this…change…in your physical relationship?"

"She says that she'll wait for me," he said, a sad smile creeping onto his face in more disbelief than emotion. "Can you believe that? She'd actually waste her time on me…"

"Why do you say waste her time?"

Goren sighed. "Did you know she had a baby a few years back?"

"Really? Whose baby?"

"Her sister's…"

Huang's eyes widened momentarily. "Um, come again?"

"She was a surrogate."

"Oh," said the doctor, beginning to understand.

"She carried him for nine months and then she gave him up…I've never seen anyone do anything so selfless…" He sighed and rubbed his hand along his forehead. "I know how badly she wants to be a mother, how badly she wants someone to take care of…I see it every time she talks about her nephew…I don't see why she even wants to be with me, knowing that I can't-"

"-Bobby, don't tell yourself you can't."

"Excuse me?" said Bobby, once again blindsided.

"By saying that you can't, you're implying that your physically incapable, which I think I can tell and you know isn't true…but if you're _implying_ that you won't, then there's a reason behind that argument that needs to be identified."

"Doctor…it's just…"

"Bobby, you've already admitted that you love her and that your relationship means everything to you, but a healthy relationship has to be built, not assumed. If you won't sleep with her, there's a reason, and it's a reason that involves Alex too…you've said that she's seemed distant..."

Bobby hesitantly nodded his head.

"Get outside of your head for a minute and think about it from outside the situation…all I see is probably all that she can see: there was a physical relationship that ended after your abduction. I think we can assume, because you have already said she is extremely intelligent, that she knows something went on when you were captive upstate, yes?"

Sighing, he said, "Yes."

"So because there's this lack of communication between you two, she probably feels the need to pull away, to protect herself…in essence you two are very similar, because you've been pulling away too…by not talking in the first place. You're are protecting yourself against the insecurity that you feel, the possibility that she may end up thinking what you're thinking, that you're not good enough for her…isn't that right?"

He cleared his throat. "Hitting the nail on the head," he said softly.

"Bobby, you're a profiler…but you can't read minds. You don't know what she's thinking…and you haven't asked. The Post-Traumatic Stress is messing with your head and by concentrating only on what it's costing _you_, you're putting her on the back burner…

"You need to talk to her, Bobby."

…

Bobby took another sip of his beer and looked at the clock. _2:59 AM_

Eames had been gone all day and half the night without a break or phone call directed at Bobby. In the logical part of his mind, he knew that the case must have taken a turn, because she had never taken this long to reach him since he had come back from the hospital…

…but in the steadily growing irrational part of his head he was thinking of the various other reasons she might be late.

_She wants to be at work more than home. She likes the case more than me. She feels attracted to something at work…maybe someone? God knows anybody has to be more attractive than-_

He heard the keys jingle against the lock as his thoughts were temporarily cut off. She walked through the doorway with an exhausted look on her face and a cup of coffee in her hand; all Bobby could see, however, was the stiffness in her hips and the outfit she was wearing: long dark green yoga pants and a white tank top.

"Hey," she said wearily as she slipped next to him on the sofa, pushing her bangs back out of her eyes.

_Where was she? Why is she wearing _that _home from work? Calm down, Bobby, she probably just went to the gym…she did go to the gym, right?_

"Sorry I was late," she said as she picked up the remote and turned on the television.

"Where'd you go?" he asked before thinking it through.

"Huh?" she asked, turning her head back to face him. He gestured with his eyes at her outfit. "Oh, stakeout…the suspect for the arson hadn't given us much information when we questioned him, and we didn't have enough to hold him, so Mike and I-"

"Just Mike?" He asked, careful not to betray the emotions behind his masked face.

"Yeah," she continued as she took a sip of her coffee. "Megan's fiancé came into town, so the captain gave her the afternoon off and Mike volunteered to take her place for the night."

"That's really nice of him."

"It wasn't a problem," she said without detecting the hint of sarcasm in his previous comment, "Mike and Megan have been really good to us since the undercover operation and I guess he was just being nice."

_Being nice…_he thought as his synapses relayed all of the information to the irrational sector of his brain that controlled emotion. _How nice is nice?_ The part of his brain that controlled jealousy was obviously not in control of itself either. He took another sip of his beer to calm the steadily growing drumming right behind the bridge of his nose.

"Did he drop you off?" he asked. She turned her head slightly towards the sound of his voice without taking her eyes off of the lifetime movie she had just clicked the channel to. "I just noticed that you left your car here…"

"Yeah, I took the subway in."

"Did you know you were going to have a stakeout?"

"No just a feeling…and I had a change of clothes in my locker just incase-"

"-in case of what?" He said a bit more callously than he intended to.

"In case this stakeout happened," she said, this time noting the change in his tone. Giving her complete attention to Bobby, she cocked her head to the side and asked through lidded eyes, "Hey, is something wrong?"

"No," he said quickly as he took a larger gulp of his beer, sounding anything but convincing.

"Bobby…"

"Eames…"

"So, we're back to last names now, huh?" she said, slightly miffed. "Seriously, _Goren_, what's bugging you?"

"Mike drove you home."

"Yes? And?"

"That's what's bugging me."

Her mouth fell about two inches and her eyes, though mostly covered by her bangs, noticeably bulged before narrowing slightly. "Are you kidding me?"

"No."

"What are you suggesting Bobby? That Mike's making moves on me? That I'm letting him?"

"Well, he is single…attractive…available…in more ways than I am right now-"

"So you're saying I would cheat on you because he could have sex with me?" Alex said angrily, sitting up and resettling to the opposite end of the couch.

"No-"

"So I'm suddenly that shallow? Did what I said a few weeks ago mean nothing?" She questioned, enraged as only Alex Eames could be. "I guess 'Whatever it takes' doesn't mean a damn thing to you!"

"You shouldn't have to waste yourself on me!"

"Oh yeah, Bobby, I must be that 'transparent', because I obviously want to go fuck Mike in the back of a car while simultaneously catching an arsonist who burned down a building leaving over two hundred victims!"

"Eames-"

"No, it's Alex! Eames was your partner for seven years! Alex just happens to be the woman who loves you…you know, the one I _thought_ had your respect and trust!"

"I-"

"And the fact that you even think she could ever, _ever_, hurt you like that lets her know how little you really lov-"

She was cut off by lips crashing into hers, silencing her quickly and effectively as Bobby clung to her like his only lifeline. His tongue demanded entry into her mouth as it grabbed a hold of hers in desperation. His arms started roaming her back ravenously as if trying to reassure himself that she was really there…

…because although Bobby trusted Alex implicitly with his heart, he did not trust the world with his Alex, and somewhere within the irrationality that was taking control of his head, he believed that it would eventually convince her to go elsewhere if he didn't act like a man…_and damn it!_ He would not let Mike Logan outman him.

Alex, on the other hand, had no clue what was going on in Bobby's brain; the only thing she could tell was that he was literally devouring her with his mouth and arms. She was crushed into his chest so tightly that it was as if he had superglued himself to her, but she could tell from his wildly frantic heartbeat that he felt as if she were miles away. As he ran his hands down to the band of her pants, the only thing she couldn't tell if his behavior was out of lust or fear…if practically fusing themselves together was his goal, he was succeeding.

As he began to pull the elastic down her hips, she felt his tongue move differently, as if controlled by hesitation or…

…_or fear._

At the moment he slid his hand under the fabric to grab her ass, she heard a strong sound ring into her mouth from his: not a moan of pleasure or a sigh of satisfaction, but a whimper.

A lone, scared whimper.

She used all of the strength that she had to push him away as she leaped out of his crushing embrace. Her head shook back and forth as she moved backwards, reading a clearly signaled 'No'.

"You're not ready Bobby," she said as she turned away and walked behind the bathroom door, clicking it shut.


	6. Taking it Back

**A/N: College is hard. I know you get told that before you sign up, but man! It is hard and time consuming.**

**Reindeergames, I promise I will not drop this story until it is finished. I love writing it, the only problem is the frequency with which I can update due to all of the work that is being showered upon me from administration.**

**Fanmlz, the happy will come! But I have the plotline for this story written out and if you can hang in with me for a little more angst and bad weather there will be a plethora of good stuff coming to B/A.**

**For the rest of you dedicated readers, thanks for hanging in with the infrequent posting. Read and Review, it's what I love :)**

One thousand, three hundred twenty seconds.

Trying to gather herself together on the bathroom floor, Alexandra Eames shut her eyes and tried to concentrate on exhaling a long, steady breath. Instead of darkness, a flood of images ran rampant behind her eyelids: Bobby's hands sliding down her back, Bobby's arms capturing her in a tight embrace, Bobby's lips crashing against hers…

…all marred by painfully uncomfortable whimpers.

Her eyes flipped open as the breath left her body in a shaky, erratic state, and Alex realized that her attempt at silent reconstruction was anything but successful.

One thousand, four hundred forty seconds.

Looking from the rack of towels to the empty bathtub, she decided on a warm bath to hopefully ease the unhappy thoughts that were creeping through the edge of her mind. She got up and turned to the tap, turning the water on and then letting her hand sift under the flow until the temperature reached a comfortable heat. Pulling her hand out and wiping the spare drips off on her pants, she stood up and turned to the mirror.

If her vision told her anything, it was that she definitely was not the same woman who joined the force almost 9 years ago. Her eyes traced the laugh lines that had grown at the corners of her eyes, more from frowning and concentration than general mirth. Her forehead definitely wasn't as smooth as it used to be; as tough as things got in Vice, even with the death of her husband, she had never encountered the constant worry that had brought permanent etchings to her brow before Major Case. Her lips seemed harder set, as if trained to frown, and her jaw was unyielding.

Eyes traveling south, she looked over her tank top as it sat across her bust and noticed how much fuller it seemed. Pulling off her shirt only confirmed it, and she let her hand trail between her breasts and lightly press down her abdomen to her belly button. Her hips were wider set, she was sure of it, and she could attribute her curves to the beautiful blond nephew she had seen only a few weeks earlier. Her body told two different stories, the public image of a no-nonsense cop, and the private, softer side of a woman.

Alex turned her head to see the water reach the top of the tub and left her musings to turn off the tap. Slowly, relishing the feeling of the warm water as it left goose bumps across her skin, she lowered herself into the basin. As the water eased around her body and left ripples, the steam coming from the hot liquid made her forehead gently perspire. She tilted her head back to let her hair immerse itself in the water. The blond strands wrapped themselves around her head and the sudden heat to her neck made her arch her upper back into the air, her hardened nipples pointing upwards.

She didn't know when she had become aroused, but she could feel her hand move slowly down her abdomen towards the heat that was radiating from within. Her fingers drifted over her hips and gently parted folds that had not been moved for such a purpose in a very long time. As her thumb brushed over her clit she quietly moaned and adjusted her legs so that they were braced on either side of the basin, completely exposed to the heat coming from the water that numbed her senses.

Her back eased down into the warm pool once again. She dipped one finger inside of herself as a test, but as soon as it entered she felt her body reactively cling to it, yearning for something it had not received in a long while.

A second finger entered, and she began to move them slowly and steadily up and against the padded walls of her core. The coil of heat that at first had only seemed a memory instantly began to build, and she felt her gentle pants become more ragged and short. Feeling her free hand move to her breast, she let her body's motions take over. One hand kneading and rubbing a hardened nipple, the other pumping and using it's fingers to take hold of the situation it had not been a party to in so long.

She knew her orgasm was coming only seconds before it happened. Caught off guard and unprepared for the return, she felt herself soar unexpectedly before waves of pleasure ricocheted throughout the tub and slosh the water gently. Her head fell completely back against the tub as her fingers were trapped between the ever-contracting walls, pushing her deeper and deeper into her release…

…but as she came down the waves changed into memories of Bobby's pain and images of him, lonely, outside in the living room.

She pulled her fingers out quickly, trying to wash the slickness off in the water, but it seemed as if the bath was saturated with the smell of her release…

…her weakness.

_Whatever it takes, huh, Alex?_

She practically jumped out of the tub.

The slick surface of her left foot met the tile and Alex slipped forwards to catch herself with her hands on the edge of the sink. She looked up, into her own glossy eyes, and watched as the water dripped from her hair and chest down her body to seep in puddles at the edge of the floor.

_I thought I was stronger than this._

The tears she had tried to hold behind her strength were building up in an unstoppable way. Forgoing the towel, she yanked the door open and ran forward. Her wet hair obstructed most of her view, but her feet knew their way to safety…

…which was in the arms of the man before her.

She crashed into him, sobbing and gasping for air as the tears came streaming down her face in torrents. Her wet body collapsed into his on the couch, and as he wrapped his arms firmly around her, his body enveloping hers, she wondered if all along it was her that was keeping the biggest secret of all.

_Maybe I'm not ready to handle this…maybe I can't do this on my own._

Choking out garbled words in sobs, she tried to phrase it, but was left gasping for air. Bobby relaxed his hold around her to brush her bangs from the front of her face. Her nakedness forgotten, water from her soaked body seeping through his clothes, his dark musings were put aside with every strangled breath she took.

"Breathe, Alex," he said gently, caressing the side of her face. "Baby…breathe…"

"I can't…I'm sorry, I can't," she whispered hoarsely.

"Alex," he said, his breath gently pulsing her wet hair against the side of her neck, "I'm sorry. I should never have pushed it-"

"Don't." She tried to push herself off of his lap, but he wouldn't release her. Reaching her shaking hand up to brush her wet hair back, she sat back against the weight of his arms. They looked into each other's eyes, both knowing someone had to speak first, understanding once the conversation started, it had to be finished.

"I…I just…"

"I know," he said, staring honestly and uninhibited into hers. "I heard it from the hall."

A new wave of tears came flowing on the heals of the first as Alex tried to turn her head away from his, anything to fight of the growing shame. "I don't deserve you," she said softly.

"Alex, no," he said as he took her face in his right palm. Rubbing the tears away with his thumb, he dismissed it. "How could you think that? How could you think that you should have to deal with any of this?"

"I just…" she began, "I thought I could handle it on my own. But…it's hard, Bobby. I feel ashamed and stupid and selfish but it's hard for me to handle me sometimes, and dealing with…_her_…and this investigation and you…

…I feel like I'm struggling for a lifeline to save you and instead of pulling you back you're taking me with you. I don't know how to save you from this one, Bobby. Not if you don't talk to me."

He pulled her head back into his chest. "I'm trying," he whispered into her ear.

"No." She used her arms to weigh his down enough for her to sit up straight. "I'm sorry, Bobby, but you can't just try anymore. It's not good enough. If I'm going to throw myself out there with you I need some reassurance that you're going to bring me back."

He looked away, his eyes too clouded with fear and shame, as he thought of her leaving him. He imagined how she would say goodbye, her eyes once again shadowed by tears and sorrow because of the person who pushed her away…

…and he realized that he couldn't let Nicole win. In the end, if Alex left, it would be because of him and his inability to trust in something that was proving to be stronger than any relationship he had ever known. Everyone had their limits, and he wouldn't be the one to push her to the brink.

_It's time to take your life back._

As she brought herself to refocus her eyes on his, the dark orbs response told her hazels everything they needed to know. She let him bring her head to his chest again, focus her breathing to his heartbeat as his own breaths became deeper.

The first crack in Bobby's protective wall came two thousand, five hundred eighty two seconds after they had parted.

"Her hands were cold." He nuzzled the top of her head as he quietly let out the words that had paralyzed him for so long. "They went everywhere…

…_I said no."_

**A/N: I promise you by the end of this week, you will have something to smile about.**


	7. Visit

**A/N: Consider this a rather long interlude between the previous chapter and a pivotal point.**

The door opened in front of Alex as if Dr. George Huang knew she was coming…

…and he did. Her footsteps were clearly audible: soft, gentle, like the quiet padding of woman's boots down a carpeted hallway. Right before she stepped up to the door, her feet hesitated; there was no second-guessing for Huang.

Then again, as a profiler there weren't many chances to.

"Hello, you must be Alex Eames," he said to the perplexed woman standing in front of him.

"Yes, I, um…I left a message?"

"I know, come on in." He stepped aside from the doorway and with a slight shift of his hand he gestured for Alex to step inside as well.

As she crossed the carpeted entryway, she couldn't help but wonder at the man before her. His kind gestures and studious demeanor reminded her of only one other person, and despite the numerous differences she could find in Bobby's appearance, awkwardness, and history, Huang's obvious attention to detail and downright genlemanliness made her understand why Bobby liked to come here.

She sat down plush chair perpendicular to the couch, which placed her right in front of Huang's gaze.

_This is what you wanted: honest talk, everything out in the open._

Only seconds later did she realize she would want to divert her own…

"So, this is about Bobby? And your sex life?"

_Maybe not that honest._

She froze automatically upon the word sex, the one secret she had been hiding from the world, the one that came directly after the word Bobby, the saying that had become automatic don't ask, don't tell.

"I realize this is a bit unorthodox, but in order to get an better understanding of your relationship with Bobby, I need to hear about both of your experiences."

"Um…" _Just talk, Alex…breathing would be good too._ "Yeah…it is…" She let out a small laugh. "Wow…it's just, I never-"

"You never thought of using that term?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Well, I guess…I don't know."

"Yes you do." The doctor took out a pen from his desk drawer and set it above the notepad in his lap. "Alex, at this point, with this investigation, all that the truth can do now is help. Don't be nervous."

_Don't be nervous. You're just about to put my sex life in transcript for the Chief of D's to dissect. No biggie._

"You're right. What I was trying to say is….I never just saw it as…sex." _There, I said it, sex. SEX. SEX WITH BOBBY. _"It was always something more…"

"Permanent?"

"Yeah…what we have is so…layered, I guess. I mean the sex was…amazing…but there was this greater level of _us_ there that made it more than that."

"So the way the relationship started contributed to the level of intimacy?"

"In so many ways." Alex sighed as she swept her bangs from her face. "I know that once the world gets a hold of this story they're going to try to twist it into two horny cops who blew off their job during a midlife crisis, but if they even knew…"

"The last few years have been…rough?"

"To say the least. I've gone through hell, and at every step he's always been there for me, and he's been through so much…sometimes when I think about what he's had to deal with throughout his life, I wish I could give up so many good memories from my life just to give him some closure. I guess, at that point, the relationship had been put through so much and it just kept on staying there…nothing could break it, you know?"

"Does it bother you that people might confuse your intimacy with curiosity?"

Alex let out a faint laugh. "Only every spare second. That's really my biggest fear, that people will take this and think that we would abandon our work over something like that. For years, for both of us, the work was like our second family. It requires so much time and commitment…there's this level of self that you give to the job that you never get back. It's like a relationship…there's an investment that you put into it, and whether it works or it fails, you never get back to that original level.

"I understand what partners are supposed to feel for each other. I've had other partners before…God knows Bobby has had twice as many as I have…you'd give your life for them. There's a level of trust that is so different from any other kind of interaction, because it's not a question, it's a necessity…

"…but what Bobby and I were at the beginning is not what we became. We turned into, in our own way, with what we would allow, each other's security. Yes, I told him things I've never told anyone else, but despite the job, it was more than blind trust. He gave me hope, encouragement…he was my support whenever I needed it…and when he needed me, I didn't feel obligated…I wanted him to need me as much as he did. We were dependent on each other by choice, not by force."

"So your relationship was based on something more?"

"Exactly. By the time we got to that level, I didn't even realize it. I don't think he did either…I mean, there's attraction, but…I think what hit both of us first was magnetism. I could stare at him for hours and not understand why, or how six months apart could make me want so much _more _of him…but I did. And after a while I could tell he did too.

"When it finally hit me that I…" she paused. "I'm sorry, it's kind of hard knowing that the brass is going to read this..."

"It's okay, Alex."

"I know." She took a deep breath and began again. "When it finally hit me, it wasn't a giant shock. It just seemed like these feelings finally had an explanation, the dependency, the wanting…there was a cause and those were effects…gradually came up and bit me, I guess…

"I love him." She smiled as the words fell through her lips without hesitancy. "I'm not just acting out of attraction or lust, I'm not just curious. I want him because at this point I can't imagine not being with him. It's just the way it is."

"And Bobby?"

"He's exactly the same…it's indescribable, how much I care."

"So do you see this going somewhere?"

"It is somewhere. After all of the things we've been through, it's a definite milestone."

"But what do you see happening if or when Bobby gets back on his feet?"

She ran her hands through her hair again. "That's why I'm here."

...

"_I said no."_

Alex sat at her desk buried under witness statements and testimonies, but even heavier was the burden of carrying her partner's words. The weight and meaning of them made her dizzy: even if that woman never physically raped him, she violently molested his body to the point of pain; she had known that had to leave scars mentally, but as he actually said the words, she knew he had been raped in all totality emotionally.

"_For hours, she'd watch me."_

In the days following, Bobby opened up in bits and pieces. He dropped lines between dinner and desert and before entering the shower in the morning, while they were watching television after her work or in the car on his way to an appointment. There was never any conversation, just little parts of the entire story…

…but as he said them they all started to add up.

"_She'd dig her nails into my dick if I made her mad."_

The cruelty with which his molester had treated him was unyielding and astounding, but as far as Alex was concerned, Nicole never had any reason to her madness. That she would sit and stare at Bobby, naked and vulnerable, unnerved her. It was something that Alex reserved solely for herself, a right and a claim to Bobby in a way Nicole could never understand; after all, Nicole had only wanted to torture him. All she wanted was to protect him, to see him at his most desperate times and to lead him out of his self imposed punishment…

…Nicole would rather he rot in the caverns of his mind.

"_She left scratches…sometimes I wonder if they're still there."_

When he said that phrase, she was in the kitchen eating a Yoplait peach yogurt as he was washing dishes. While enjoying the rich taste, she hadn't noticed the gentle hum of running water stop or stopped to analyze the way Bobby's arms tensed above the countertop as his knuckles turned white from grasping the kitchen sink. As she dug around the peach chunks, he let out a strangled sigh before voicing the incident that paralyzed him with shame.

Afterwords, he picked up another dish and started scrubbing even more meticulously than before. Even in shock, Alex wondered if it felt as if the words stuck to him as much as the situation, if cleaning every dish as well as he could would make the action fall from his memory. Either way, the yogurt was never finished.

It affected her wherever she went; there was just no escaping the horrors in Bobby's mind as they transposed onto her own. At first she had thought that she could handle it, that perspective would give her insight on how to save him from his demons, but _now_…

…now she wasn't sure if she could save herself.

Then there was the time when they sat on the couch staring at a movie on TMC, black and white images of two lovers making there way through the streets of Kobe, Japan. While the lovers enjoyed close proximity, Bobby and Alex mirrored them in perhaps the most intimate relaxed positions they had been party to since the kidnapping. With Bobby's arm wrapped around her shoulders, Alex had her feet tucked under her and her forehead pressed the headrest, eyes closed, taking in the words of Marlon Brando to his love Hana-ogi. She felt his voice resonate in her head, his will to keep their relationship alive though the world would want them separated.

In response, the Asian beauty could reply only with how she felt.

"I'm so frightened and confused," she said through the screen. "I cannot think. I cannot even understand your thinking."

"_She'd laugh when I'd come."_

He said it as if it fell from his lips like lead, making the air around them toxic. Alex inadvertently shivered in Bobby's arms as an even heavier meaning attached itself to her memory. Her thoughts drifted between the movie and their lives, weaving together similarities until they created a bridge between the synapses in her mind and the energy pouring through the screen's pixels.

She wanted to say something, to scream, to yell, to tell the images in her head to disappear, but all she could focus on was the eerily quiet breathing of her man and the reluctance of her Japanese counterpart to take a leap of faith.

She was beginning to feel the same.

As she told herself to let it go, mental pictures forced to disappear into the dark recesses of her mind, the deep timber of her current Brando spoke up voicing emotions so repressed and mangled that his words came out in a tangled whisper.

"_She'd laugh when I'd cry."_

And the worst part was she couldn't make a move, couldn't breathe, because she was sure at that point her hurt and anger at Nicole, at a world that pained and destroyed lives, could nearly eclipse Bobby's. As the lovers were forced to say sayonara, she could almost feel the tears her leading man had cried.

She was rocked out of her musings as droplets hit the sensitive nerves of her wrist. Looking down at the paper on her desk, she saw a sprinkling of water stains marring the ink. She quickly tried to wipe away the stray streaks on her face, only to feel them replaced with more thick tears.

She knew this was it: this was when the series of rips his story had created in her façade would finally combine to tear her to pieces.

Rising from her seat as quickly and silently as possible, she pushed herself away from the desk; holding back sobs strangling to break free, she charted a path to the closest restroom and walked with speed she never knew she possessed as far as she could from prying eyes.

The door swung open and shut with one firm shove; as soon as it closed, her restraint crumbled. The scream her throat had been clinging to roared to life as she fell to the ground, pounding on the tile with cries that shook her frame.

"Fuck you, Nicole! You evil fucking cunt! I hate you! _I…HATE…YOU!_"

She wished her fists could make the linoleum squares brake and batter instead of echoing her voice throughout the room. She needed them to at least chip, for the anger and frustration to leave a mark, a dent, anything to prove she was there…to prove she had strength…

…to make Nicole feel one millionth of the pain she was feeling, the pain she wished she could inflict.

Wailing on the floor with all the strength she had left, her fists made one final pound before flattening and spreading against the coolness of the ground. She stretched against the bathroom's tile and cried, uninhibited. Her tears were relentless as they flowed out of her eyes like a flood, down her cheeks and onto the floor where they made small pools.

She wanted her dead. It was the only thing she could think of to repay her cruelty: pure absence of the life she had been given and abused so unabashedly. She may have been abused as a child, she may have been unloved, but Alex was sure she had never had a heart. _Ever._

Through her sobs, she never heard the door slowly creak open and closed, or the soft sound of shoes making their way across the sorely underused women's restroom, or the bending of knees…

…all that she felt were soft arms wrapping themselves around her as they pulled her face away from the ground into another woman's embrace.

"Alex," Megan said as the broken woman before her sobbed into her shoulder, "it's okay."

"No," she sobbed, "it won't ever be okay…what she did will never be okay…"

"I know, Alex, I know." Wheeler held onto her as dry sobs shook through her body. "But you've got to calm down, okay?"

The woman she held in her arms slowly began to still, but as she turned her face up to look at Megan it was covered in a sickly pale yellow tinge.

"I think I'm going to-"

"Here." Megan pulled her up and into the handicapped stall as Alex fell in front of the toilet and heaved. The breakfast of coffee and more espresso fell bit by bit into the basin, and while Megan held back her hair, Alex's body reached its limit.

As soon as the last heave had purged her stomach of its contents, she fell against the edge of the stall, too exhausted to support her own weight as she slid down the wall. Megan caught her just before her head hit the ground before propping her up in a corner and heading for the sink. She came back into the stall with a wet folded towel and two Advil.

"Were…" Alex said hoarsely before coughing and speaking again. "Were those with you the whole time?"

"Yeah," Megan admitted as she laid the towel over her forehead. "After a few weeks of this job I learned to keep some in my desk. When I saw you get up and leave I could tell you would probably need your space, but after thirty minutes…"

"Thirty?" Alex turned her head against the cool metal divide and sighed. "Did anyone else-"

"No, but you've been acting kind of strange the past two days so I was looking out for it." The woman who had appointed herself as caretaker held out the gel capsules. "Your head is going to hurt like hell in a few minutes so I would take these…can you swallow them dry?"

"Yeah, um…one second." Alex put her hands against the floor and pushed with the strength she was slowly starting to regain. She shakily got on her feet, refusing the hand Megan offered, and slowly walked over to the sink. Pulling the towel off, she splashed some cold water on her face and wiped the excess off. She turned back around, confident that she now only looked partially broken, and took the pills from Megan to swallow them in one try.

"Thanks," said Alex, leaning against the sink feeling partially exposed. She folded her arms on her stomach as if to slightly cover herself and her emotions, but if the puffy feeling in her eyes was any indicator, she was doing a shoddy job.

"It really is going to be okay, you know."

Alex let a grim laugh go. "Yeah, right."

"But…I think you should talk to someone about it."

She dropped her head to stare at the unaffected floor. "It won't change anything."

"No, you're right," Megan said, moving to lean against the sink next to her. "It's not going to change what happened…but it could make you feel better."

"With what he's gone through-"

"I'm not saying you should break his confidence. I'm just saying you can't keep this all inside of you…it'll tear you apart."

Alex sighed as she raised her hand, brushing her bangs to the side. "I know…I know." She looked back towards the door and gave a small, hopeful smile. "Think Ross'll let me go early?"

Megan's face brightened with her compliance. "With how puffy your eyes look now, I think he'll try to save the rest of us from pink eye."

…

Anne Eames, who was blessed with a large and boisterous family, realized that her children were all grown up. That was the way it was supposed to be: they reached the proper age and left the nest; sure they would come back on holidays and planned dinners, but they had their own lives now.

That didn't stop her from worrying about them, though. Having all but two of her children in the force didn't stop her from checking up on them regularly, or eagerly inviting her grandchildren over when both parents were forced to work; after all, this family needed a matriarch, and stroke or no stroke, her memory was still good enough to know how much she cared for each and every one of it's members.

So when she opened the front door and saw her daughter, who had been distant as of late, nothing could stop her from taking her child in a firm hug.

"I saw the headline in the paper," she whispered in her daughter's ear, and Anne knew she understood.

…

Sitting in the living room of her parents' home, Alex felt a bit out of place. The walls were still a pale yellow, and the family photos still lined the end of the room as they lead up the stairs. Since leaving her home for college, the house hadn't aged a day, while she had years to attest to the fact that she was no longer young.

_But I guess some things never change, because after everything, this is the one place I always end up coming back to_.

Her mom came through the archway with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate, placing them on the coffee table before sitting next to Alex and handing her a cup.

"I know you like it with the small marshmallows," she said, and Alex smiled. After all this time, her mom still knew how to comfort her. She took a few sips of her mug as her mom rubbed her thumb along the handle of her own mug and said, "So are you going to tell me more about why you're here?"

Alex put cup aside. "Yeah, Mom…I am…"

"This is about your partner, isn't it?"

"Yeah," said Alex, taking as long a sip of her hot chocolate as possible to stall for time. "How did you know?"

"Mother's intuition," the older woman said with a wink that made the corner of her eye wrinkle. "But really, like I said, he was in the paper, and…well, you didn't come home for a while."

Alex tried to put aside the guilt for a few minutes to remain focused on why she came. "I'm sorry Mom, but he needed help, and…I guess I needed some space."

The slight shift in Alex's gaze was all the proof her mother needed. "Honey, what is going on between you two?"

"Um…"

"Alexandra," Anne said, knowing that the four syllable word from her mother would snap her daughter to attention, "what is going on between you and your partner?"

Alex may have been confused and exhausted, but stupid she was not; when her mother used her full name, she meant business. Slowly, slightly painfully, she began to tell their story, and though she carefully omitted the things that weren't for a mother's ears, Alex knew her mom was getting the most complete version of the story that she had ever told.

"And your captain let you leave early?" Anne said as she ended, hours later, with each of them facing the other curled up on the couch.

"Yeah," she said with a small smile. "Megan was right. Ross was a bit worried because of the amount of work required for finishing up the case I'm working…not to mention he's starting to get questions about the Garner case from the brass because it's still with SVU…but I really looked like hell. He probably thought it was best that I leave before I give anyone else what I must have."

"That's really nice of him." The cup having been long empty, her mom still stroked the handle of the mug as she had at 2 o' clock that day. "So, you and your partner…Bobby…you're in a relationship?"

"Yes." _Here it comes,_ Alex thought. _The moment where she says something that'll give me guilt until I decompose. So why didn't you-_

"So why didn't you bring him over for dinner?"

_What? _Alex couldn't believe it. She just told her mother that she was basically under investigation, her partner was essentially raped, and she had chosen that particular time to fall head over heals with him and might possibly have been negligent in her job…and Mom wanted to know why they hadn't shown up for dinner?

"Mom?"

"He's your boyfriend, right? So why didn't you bring him over for dinner?"

This was to good to be true. It had to be a faulty neuron. Surely, her dad would think it was a mistake. Her mom had to know by know that for all intensive purposes, most sane people would think this was a mistake. Her mom, wife of a cop, mother of five children, three of which ended up in the force, couldn't possibly be offering her…support…

"Um, Mom, I don't think Dad would have approved…or Sam…or Eddie...heck, even Elise and Bill would probably think-"

"Honey, you've changed."

Those three words were all it took to stop Alex mid-tangent. "What do you mean?"

"Don't think we haven't noticed. Over the past few years, this job with Major Case…you've had a hell of a time, been through kidnapping and what happened to Joe all over again…I know you're going to hate me for this, but I almost asked your father to speak to Captain Ross, put you on less high profile cases…"

_Wow._ "I could never hate you Mom…a bit shocking, yes, but still, I understand-"

"-No, Alex, you don't." When her daughter's gaze turned quizzical, Anne kept on. "You had a bigger share of bad moments than any of your brothers, but you were growing more…contented. For some reason, you seemed calmer and more…okay…than you had in years. Something about you made it seem like you accepted that your life wasn't perfect, but something was keeping you going…making it decent.

"And then you're partner 'went on vacation', which I think you should know by know we all knew wasn't true, and you changed again. You were reserved, less open, and you didn't smile anymore…that something inside of you turned off and we all saw it.

"But then he came back, and when you brought him to Nathan's party we literally saw you come back to life again. Seriously, honey, you were glowing! For the first time in a long time, you didn't seem like you were just hanging on…you were happy…and for the first time in a long time, we could see why."

Alex looked down, a small smile creeping on to her face. "And by we you mean-"

"Yep, all of us. Ben tried to start a betting pool with Sam and Eddie that night, but Elise found out and told your father, and he said very frankly 'If you try to make money off your sister's happiness I will give you boys the beating of your life'. Ben decided he wanted to be around to see Nathan graduate from kindergarten, so they called it of…officially anyway."

_I should've known,_ she thought as the smile eclipsed her eyes.

"You're in the clear honey, so bring him by sometime, okay?"

"Sure Mom, I'll do that."

Anne put down her mug to wrap her arms around her daughter before Alex stood up. "I should be getting home."

"You mean Bobby's, don't you?"

Alex stopped for a second, taking in the meaning of her words. "Yeah," she nodded as she grabbed her purse, "I guess I do."

"Wow," said Anne, moving to sit with her knees tucked under her in classic Eames style. "Even with everything that's going on between you two? It's odd, you two are so committed…"

"Mom-"

"-But for you two, I guess it works." She picked up the Santa mug to thumb the cool surface once again. "Come by again soon, Alex."

"I will, Mom. I love you."

"I love you too…Alex?"

Her daughter turned around at the door.

"Tell me when it gets serious?"

...

"So that's what she said?" Huang asked.

"Yeah," said Alex, toying with the sleeve of her sweater. _Tell me when it gets serious?_ "All I could say in the doorway was that it already is."

"I think you know what she meant, Alex."

And he was right, because she did.

"You still haven't answered the question." Huang watched as she looked up, her eyes locked on his.

"What question?" she asked, even though she knew.

"What do you see happening between you two after all of this ends?"

**A/N: Want to see what happens? R&R, please. (This chapter is almost half as long as the entire story, but it's good, yes?)**


	8. Moments of Crisis

**A/N: Omg…omg, omg, omg… I think you are going to like this one.**

It was 1:53 PM when he got the call.

Bobby had just finished lunch, a sandwich from the deli across the street from which his favorite lunchmeat was absent. The old Italian woman who's eyes lit up as she took every order just shook her head gently as he asked for pastrami; he nodded and let a small smile grace his lips before he asked for roast beef.

His morning had been promising. The trip to the Y gave his constantly tense muscles some relief as he entered the weight room for the first time in three months; surprisingly, he felt as if the counter weight he was pushing was too light. A week and a half ago, when Alex came back earlier than she had for the past five weeks, she didn't bother with words. Bobby turned his head to look at her figure stepping through the doorway, but instead of her usual hello she walked to him and placed herself between his arms; nuzzling his neck, she let his body cocoon hers as she whispered, "I hate her…I really hate her…so much…"

His chin resting on the crown of her head, he placed a kiss into her hair. The subject of this conversation needed no identification.

"…but I will always love you, so I'll let it go."

_Always._ There were no strings attached to that statement, no caveats, and as Bobby added thirty pounds to the bar he was about to bench press he realized that part of the weight he had been carrying around for months was over her possible rejection. Half a year ago he could have never imagined he could possibly be on the receiving end of her affection, let alone hear the permanence of it. There were people who fell out of love every day, and somewhere inside of him, he was just waiting for the day when she would too…

…but she had said forever, and as he pushed the weight from his chest in the YMCA weight room he exhaled a breath of relief because she wasn't going anywhere.

So the call came he ignored it, truly relaxing on the couch for the first time in a long time as the news played through the day's stories.

When the red flash on the screen said "Breaking News", however, he was all ears.

The Puerto Rican reporter looked up from her desk to the screen, shifting her expression to let the viewers know that she was about to present serious information. "Sorry to interrupt the previously scheduled segment, but we have news of a potential hostage situation at Police Headquarters in Manhattan-"

Bobby's fist grew tighter, his knuckles whitened around the remote as he sat up quickly to get a better view of the picture of 1 PP in the corner.

"A gun was fired at 1:35 PM on the 6th floor of 1 Police Plaza, the unit belonging to the Major Case Squad of the New York City PD."

_What the hell?_

"The building was placed in lockdown within minutes after the shot. There is no information on the assailant or the potential victim, but evidence shows that the thirty second leak which brought you this story was from a civilian female. Her association with the NYPD unknown, her only identifying trait was a thick accent-"

_No._ The remote fell from his hands onto the coffee table. _This cannot be happening. _

"-stay tuned for the latest development on the channel which brings you the facts, New Yor-"

He clicked off the television with lightning speed. He would have been screaming, but he had forgotten how to breathe.

_Nicole. _

She was back, he was sure of it, only this time it wasn't just his physicality in danger; the woman he loved was locked on the same floor of the predator who would like nothing better than to see him suffer…

…and she knew just how to do it.

He tripped over the carpet as he ran to the hallway, grabbing his running shoes. He fumbled with the laces before giving up and grabbing a coat to protect himself against the cold October weather. It had been a little over a year since Donnie's disappearance, but he was one hundred percent certain that he would rather endure a lifetime in Tates than have one hair on Alex's head displaced to satisfy Nicole's need to destroy him. He grabbed his car keys from the side table before he rushed out the door.

_She just can't stop_, he thought as he ran to his car, images of Nicole's twisted face running through his mind_…she'll never stop._

When he got in his SUV he was glad just to see the unused vehicle still had a mostly full tank; he didn't have time to stop for anything, not with Alex's life on the line. Nicole was an emotionally conflicted and embittered soul, and for some reason his mind could still not comprehend that over eight years ago she chose him as an outlet for her bad lot in life; if there was one thing he was certain of, that woman would do anything to make his life a living hell, and if she failed once, twice, a thousand times she would keep coming back. Bobby knew what Nicole wanted, and if she had found Alex there would have been some sort of sign…Bobby had to believe that as he pushed the gas to speed down Atlantic Avenue, because the alternative take on what would happen if Nicole found Alex was not an option.

Bobby would not let Nicole lay a pinky on Alex. It would not happen. Nicole would never get anywhere near inflicting a nerve ending's worth of pain on her, because Bobby couldn't live in a world where Alexandra Eames didn't exist.

_Alex._ Images of her flooded his brain, creating a timeline of memories and glances. Eames, the first partner that stuck, with a razor cut bob and no-nonsense stare that could knock the worst perp back ten feet and get her brooding detached partner, who was always two steps ahead, to slow down and admit his shortcomings. Surrogate Eames, who opened his eyes to how attached he had become to his pintsize counterpart through absence, and Postpartum Eames, who came back to work a little fuller yet a little emptier, who bared bits her soul in private moments, who was transforming in his eyes from a strong cop to a stronger woman. Human Eames, who disappeared for days due to Bobby's misplaced trust in an old friend, and returned to him on a stretcher, who was hooked up to an oxygen supply and wired for a week in the hospital, whose mouth told him he didn't have to spend his spare time in her room but whose eyes begged him to stay; her body small and breakable, the first time he dared start to think of her as _Alex_, if only in his head, was during the moments she slept and could hold her warm hand, knowing that she was safe if only till she was released.

Steadfast Alex, who stuck with him through a cop's bloody suicide, a Thanksgiving from hell, Brady's execution, his mother's death, her husband's reopened case, Donnie's existence and disappearance, who would take his side when no one else would, who would stand by said side no matter the cost to her career, and who's friendship meant more to him than he could ever hope to be able to show her…

…and as he came off of his suspension, he found that the Alex that he had left was as much the same as she was different. The layers that she had accumulated over the years were dwarfed only by this new persona: resplendence. Beautiful Alex encompassed all she was prior to his departure and magnified her qualities tenfold, and like a wine that grows more pleasing with age she glowed in his eyes with magnificence too brilliant to touch for fear of getting burned…

…but when he finally touched her she felt just right, and when he held her body her warmth soothed his aches and healed him, and when he was taken the light she radiated found him in his darkest places and kept with him through the seasonal changes when his mind was overcast with fear.

In terms of benevolence, Alexandra Eames was one of the rarest people on the earth. She took the evils he dealt with and forced them to the light; she made his loveless life worth something to himself because he was worth something to her. She chose him, and her life made his worth living…

…_Her life makes mine worth living._

As he turned onto the off ramp from the Brooklyn Bridge, he promised himself that he would never take her for granted again. He would never let another day go by without reminding her how much she gave him and how little she asked for in return. He could have given her more, he should have given her more…

…_and I will, God, just give me another chance and I will, please…please just let her be alright…please keep her here for me…_

The street was closed ahead, and as Bobby glanced into his side mirror he saw another partition holding back people and reporters from the first 50 feet leading to 1 PP. He pulled up to the blockade and just barely managed to turn off the car before his feet carried him through the SUV's doorway and ran quickly down the block and a half. A self proclaimed lapsed alter boy, he knew that renewed faith typically came in moments of crisis, and mere seconds from the partition he knew that the cosmos had given him a woman like Alex to make him a better man, and he'd be damned if the pre-ordained plan that had been set out for them would be cut short.

He got to the hoard of people and forced his way through, moving through mothers, wives, husbands, fathers, children, siblings, all of whom were waiting for God's verdict on the status of their loved ones who placed their lives in His hands each day. Finally cutting through to the front of the group, he managed to catch the attention of a beat cop who had been called to the scene from the East Village for crowd control.

"Detective Goren?" he asked as he pushed away hands asking for answers. "From the newspaper a few months ago?"

"Yeah," he said, thankful for the recognition.

"Aren't you supposed-"

"I'm on leave," he rushed out. "Is Eames…is she…please, my _partner_ is in there."

_In so many ways…_

"Didn't you hear?"

His heart stopped beating in his chest, he was sure of it. Any mode of oxygen to his lungs had stopped being provided, and it was almost with reverse suction that he managed to voice the words, "Hear what?"

The officer pointed to the entryway where, within seconds, the tinted doors were pushed open as people started to pour out. "The lockdown ended about ten minutes ago."

All the air rushed back to Bobby's lungs as his heart once again sounded firmly beneath his collarbone. "They were just waiting for clearance from the mayor's office to- hey, I don't think you're supposed to…"

He ignored the beat cop's halfhearted warning as he ducked under the partition and walked into the sea of New York's finest. Through the ever-moving stream of buerocrats, he searched with his eyes for minutes before they settled on a familiar face: his Alex, her arm supporting an elderly African-American woman, as one of the last people to exit the building.

His feet couldn't carry him to her fast enough, and as Alex turned to see him ascend the front steps after giving the responsibility of caretaker to an eager rookie, Bobby stopped in front of her for mere seconds before wrapping her in his arms…

…which was where she belonged, between his hands and his heart. Forever.

He pulled back for a second to ask the question that had been burning through his soul for 45 minutes: "Where is she?"

"Bobby," said Alex, her face displaying her confusion, "where's who?"

"Nico-"

"-Bobby, no." Alex shook her head. "Tom Bradshaw stowed his weapon incorrectly and it misfired."

_Bradshaw…of course._ The man had the worst technique of any detective he had ever worked with.

"Why did you think-"

"It was on the news," he said unbelieving, as his eyes were sure Alex was before him but his brain had not fully caught up yet. "They said the call came from a woman with an accent-"

"Edna Grant," she said, gesturing over her shoulder to the older woman. "She's originally from Mobile Alabama…she's one of the victims of the arson in Harlem. I was with her in the interview room when the shot went off. I didn't know what had happened, so I moved the both of us under the table and handed her the phone while I looked around…we were on lockdown so I told her to press seven."

_The speed dial we'd programmed for media releases._ Alex was fine; his head saw it, even if his heart couldn't believe it. "So no Nicole?"

"No Nicole," she said, looking up at him with as much relief etched on her face as he was sure was written on his. "It was just an accident."

He didn't need any more words from her, only the feel of her body against his as he held her close. To those who watched, it was a close embrace between friends; Bobby knew how much more it really was. It was his Alex, his courageous, quick thinking, caring, resilient Alex, and he knew that the God who had steered his heart through crisis yet again had designed her body to fit as perfectly as it did in his embrace.

…

An hour later, Bobby's keys clicked the lock from place and opened the front door of the apartment. His hand on the small of her back, he gently guided her through the entryway before entering as well.

The ride home was mostly silent, and apart from the _Are you sure you're okay?_'s that he tossed into the air every five minutes, he drove back to Brooklyn with his focus changed. He had to do something, that much he knew, but he had no clue how to go about it. This was a level of relationship that he had never encountered before, and he wanted the way things happened to be perfect for her…and for him…

…for them, because frankly, they deserved a little happiness.

She tried to steer towards the kitchen and the coffee, but Bobby took her hand and gently pulled her down the hall in the other direction. "Bobby, wha-" she asked as he stopped by the guest room only to close the door, but he only raised a hand to halt her questions and lead her farther along. By the time they had stepped beyond the threshold of his bedroom door she was thoroughly perplexed.

He took her other hand and guided them both backwards until the backs of their knees hit the bed and sat, gesturing for her to do the same. Joined hands in his lap, he used his thumb to rub the wrist of her right palm as he let go of her left only to wrap his arm around her shoulder and pull her to him. He hesitated for a second as her lips came within a hair's breath of his before capturing her mouth in a complete and encompassing kiss. He could feel the gentle heat radiating from their lips to his heart to his fingers and toes. It was the kind of kiss that came unexpectedly, but was so warm that it left those a party to its passion heated for days …

…and as he broke the kiss, he looked straight into her beautiful eyes with breathless ardor and said what he'd wanted to say all along.

"Marry me."


	9. Claimed

_Marry me._

She wasn't sure she had heard correctly, mainly because she was still surprised that her head was facing forward after _that_ _kiss _had knocked her mind flat. Her lips were kiss stung and eyes hazy with awe as she sat there, her face inches away from the man she loved…

…the man who couldn't have just said what she thought he said.

"What?" she said breathlessly.

"Marry me," he repeated, with his eyes mirroring the quiet intensity of his words.

She was having a hard time grasping his emotional state, something she had been so intently monitoring for the past few months. _He could just be saying this out of fear, or desperation…he should be showing signs…_

…but as she could feel a steady pulse where their wrists touched and his breathing remained even, she knew that this had nothing to do with emotional distress, which scared her more than the power behind his words…

It scared her because it was everything she wanted, everything she told herself she would have to go without, and everything she had thought the kidnapping had robbed him of giving her.

It scared her because for once in her life that dream _might_ truly become a reality, and she was blindsided.

"Marry me," he said again, force of intent behind every word, " Because you're the one who taught me it was possible to fall in love someone, because you're the one who taught me how to love myself. Marry me because your laughter lights up my life and your tears only make you a stronger woman; marry me because your love makes me a stronger man. Marry me because you showed me what selflessness really is, and marry me because you're the only one who would take me as I am and try to make me better…"

"…Marry me because you do make me better, every single second that I have you in my life you make me better, and marry me because I can't live without you in it. Marry me because over eight years ago you were placed my world by some power I can't understand, and over eight years later I am still thanking that same power for the opportunity to be with you."

_He can't mean this, it's…this wasn't going to happen for me, I could handle that…I could…these have to just be words…_

Cool tears slipped down her face in disbelief, and Bobby let go of her right hand to gently wipe them away.

"But most of all…"

His hand cupped her cheek as he brought his lips to hers again, kissing her ardently as a statement of what was to come. He let her lips go, speaking his final words in a breathless whisper.

"…Most of all, marry me because you want to, because I love you and I promise I will spend every available minute making sure I will never take you for granted again. I promise I'll cherish you…I promise, Alex. I wasn't willing to see past what happened to me to get to you before…I'm not making that mistake again. Marry me because you are going to be the one who will receive all my dedication and trust, and at the end of the day, marry me because I'm ready to be the man you want…the man you need…"

He pressed his mouth to hers again, the fervent pressure of his lips only mirrored by the question his tongue posed as its tip rested against hers. Her eyes closed, the astonishment she felt as his hand glided down from her face and traversed towards the low neckline of her v neck sweater was eclipsed by the feather light feel of his palm cupping her breast.

He leaned her backwards until his chest hovered mere centimeters over her own, his breath tingling the cartilage of her ear. "I'm ready."

_Ready._ He wasn't stressed, he wasn't unprepared; he was ready and willing to give her everything that she wanted from him and more…

…and all she had to do was consent to receiving it.

"Alexandra Eames," he spoke softly into her ear, "will you be my wife?"

It was a no-brainer in Alex's opinion, and since the word wife in reference to _her_ future had eradicated any possibility of coherent thought, she let the first word that would make its way to her tongue slip through her lips.

"Yes," she said without reservation, pulling his head up to eye level so she could bring it back down to link his lips with hers. Her mouth embraced his and met his question with commitment and enthusiasm.

_I want this, I have wanted this…_she mused as his fingers tangled in her hair..._and it's actually happening._

_And, _she thought as a happy shiver worked its way down the path his lips were traveling on her collarbone, _he's who it's happening with, which makes it better than I could have ever imagined._

His spare hand slipping underneath the hem of her ruby sweater to toy with the soft cotton camisole, his other hand pressed more firmly into the soft angora fabric that stretched around her breast, kneading gently as her breaths began to quicken. His lips pushed a path along the v until they drifted down to where the diagonal lines converged at the top of her chest giving a glimpse of the mounds he had not claimed in so long. As his fingers teased one clothed breast, the other hand had already dipped below the undershirt to meet warm, heated skin and wander slowly up her abdomen, leaving goose bumps in its wake. He reached the spot where the left curved and delved his finger along the fold, placing the weight of the mound in his hand; as his index finger brushed across the raised bump of her nipple a repressed moan stole through his parted lips.

"No bra, Eames?" His voice a deep throaty timbre, a small smile slipped onto her lips between the light pants his hands were invoking. He was aroused for the first time in months, and she had done it to him without even taking off her sweater.

"The cami…is padded," she said as his finger's strokes over her now firm nipple left her trying to remember how to breathe.

His laugh was a rich and resonant sound that seemed to permeate the already thickly coated air. "You hardly need padding," he said between kisses that trailed up her sternum, causing her head to tilt back as he reached the hypersensitive skin at the base of her throat. She moaned gutturally from his mouth on her skin for the first time in months, and he had done it to her without even taking off her sweater.

"You," he said softly as he continued his trail of kisses along her throat, "feel amazing."

She was sure the angle her upper body was tilted should not be physically achievable. "I could say the same," she said, the words swiftly leaving her vocal chords in one breath. If it was possible for her to orgasm from external pressure points, she was sure she would have come furiously when he pressed his open mouth to the spot where her throat met her chin; as it was, she could feel her soaked panties clinging to her heat as she held on the base of his neck.

"You're so warm, baby," he spoke as he continued to apply force on the many pleasure points of her upper body. "I can't believe you feel so heated just from this…" He let the hand that rested on top of the sweater drift down to the top of her dark washed jeans, fingering with the denim. "I know what you need, and I promise you you'll get it all…" He dipped two fingers underneath the band, taking in the sight of her pupils dilating and the rapid rise and fall of her chest. "Tonight you're going to get everything."

She groaned throatily as her body writhed in anticipation of his vow, and as her back flattened and re-arched his hand provided more friction with rougher strokes around the base of her breast. She attempted to reach the adjacent mound, craving the same attention for the other, but he noticed the movement and pinned her left arm above her head. Not to be stalled, she reached her right towards the same goal only to lose the use of both.

"If you want everything…" he said, nuzzling his face against her angora clad breast as his left hand trapped both of her wrists against the bedspread, "…you have to let me give it to you."

Her chest swiftly expanding and contracting, she knew she had to use her breath wisely if she wanted this to turn out _her _way. "More," she demanded breathily.

"Patience, Alex…" he said reproachingly as he teased her nipple.

"Bobby…_Bobby!"_ Her voice was insistent, and despite the attention to detail he could not ignore the pull of her tone. Pausing his ministrations, he looked into her eyes with an arched brow. "I want more."

"Baby," he said gently, "I want this to last for you-"

"-Bobby, I'm going to marry you." She smiled inside as she felt his body shiver on top of hers and watched his eyes close in satisfaction before taking a deep breath. "We have the rest of our lives for long, excruciatingly slow sex where you ravage every inch of my body…"

His breathing hitched on her last word and he reflexively squeezed his hand around her breast; she would have dropped the argument altogether and let him touch her for hours if it wasn't for her resolve.

"…but tonight is the _first _time we are going to make love with me knowing that you are going to be my husband, and Goddamn it-" She maneuvered and twisted in his hold so quickly that he didn't realize she was straddling him until he tried to move the arms that _she_ had pinned over his head. "I want naked on top of me," she said as her mouth hovered over his lips. "I want you to take all of my clothes off, and I want you to get inside me. I want you to ignore this sudden selfless urge you've got going and get off on it as much as I will, and when you climax…"

She leaned into his t-shirt clad chest, her lips centimeters from his earlobe. "…I want you to come so deep inside of me that I won't ever be able to get you out of me," she whispered as her warm breath stimulated every nerve ending of his cartilage. "No condom. I want you to give me all of you, and when I peak I'll know you'll never bury yourself like that in any woman but me again."

His heart was beating so quickly he was afraid it would explode, and he was sure that his breathing had stopped for a good thirty seconds before he was able to speak again.

"You'd take that chance?"

This time it was her deep, sensual laugh playing in the background of his thoughts. "With the amount of times I plan on fucking you, I'd be amazed if I didn't get pregnant at _least _once."

The words hadn't left her lips for more than a second before she felt a primal growl vibrate throughout his entire body, and just as suddenly as she had taken control of the situation she was underneath him. His legs were tangled in hers, and as he grabbed the hem of her sweater and shirt and yanked them both over her head, she realized that she had found the catalyst to creating a furiously aroused Bobby.

"Say it again," he demanded, his voice reduced to a husky rumble.

"I want to have your child."

She yelped in satisfaction as his mouth closed around her breast and sucked, his hands undoing the zipper of her jeans with fervor and wrenching them down with equal speed. There was no longer a question of his sexual excitement as the bulge in his pants pressed against her panty clad heat, and if she had known that he could be so easily excited by the thought of her bearing his children they would have been going at this speed from the beginning.

Her hands long since released, she tugged on his t-shirt's collar in insistence. "Naked," she commanded. "Now."

The shirt fell to the floor in a heap of clothes that was quickly joined by the pants he kicked off, followed by his boxers. He was now completely exposed and on top of her, his cock throbbing against the union of her upper thigh and panty line.

"Off," he said as he grabbed hold of the elastic and pulled the poor excuse for underwear off of her body, leaving nothing between her and him but the heated room and the thick musk of arousal.

"Ready?" he asked out of consideration, though they both could see that lubrication would not be a problem.

"Bobby, get inside of me," she said without hesitation. In his impassioned state he needed no further authorization; he parted her folds with one hand as he guided himself into her with the other.

His first thoughts came in waves of explosions and stars as his physicality reminded him how tightly Alex fit around him. Unsure of how much restraint he could manage, he slowly drove in at a deeper angle; with every fraction of measure he buried himself within her body her moans grew more drawn out and pronounced. By the time his shaft was completely entrenched within her slick interior her voice had become a guttural whimper.

"Move," she said, breathless from the feeling of being completely and utterly filled.

He moved with skilled precision; like a craftsman who had abandoned his trade only to begin again at the top of his game, he moved within her without giving an inch, striking at an angle which proceeded to bury him further and further within her with each stroke. Pushing his knee against her thigh, he managed to coax them upward so that they were hooked around his hips, deepening the angle at which he grinded mercilessly into her pussy. She had heard of the g-spot, she believed in the g-spot, but now she realized he was completely bypassing the banana split and going for the crème-brulee, and as he had managed to go deeper than his deepest record she was sure that it was possible.

She could feel every bead of sweat, every tiny change of force, every bud of pleasure that crept between her thighs, and as the strength of her heated core came to nip at the edges of her sanity, she only needed his words to drive her over the edge.

"Baby, it's okay," he voiced with deep, heated pants. "Come home, it's okay, come for me."

There were no waves; instead, there was a complete absence of feeling for a split second before a torrential inundation of satiating downpour as every nerve ending within her exploded. She could feel the stream of pleasure seeping from so deep inside herself that the only thing that could have possibly have pushed her even farther beyond the brink was the feeling of his seed crashing mercilessly into her cervix.

She had heard stories that it was possible, but she was sure the first honest-to-God all-encompassing orgasm had been experienced in those drawn out moments.

Their bodies collided with each other and lay tangled in a sweaty heap for minutes until they came down from their reverberating high. Neither could speak, as they could barely keep up the necessary steps to maintain the flow of oxygen, and half an hour later, when they lay unmoved with his shaft still submerged within her she finally was able to call enough air to her lungs to sound out, "Mine…"

He was still trying to put the shattered pieces of his mind back together, but he managed to add the word she could not find the breath to say to complete their union.

"_Forever."_

**A/N: Wow, **_**that**_** was possibly the most sexually intensive chapter I have ever written…R&R if you vote "Aye" on the coupling**


	10. Turn and Face the Change

**A/N: In order to give this chapter a little oomph, I had to manipulate the educational process a wee bit; know that there is no criminal science program at Fordham (in case you had the burning desire to apply to it).**

"We're here."

He pulled up to the curb and put the SUV in park. Looking to his right, he cocked his head towards the brown-bricked building across the street with a gentle smile. "You ready?"

"Yeah," she exhaled, her hazel eyes wide set in comprehension of this moment. She pushed the door open and stepped out into the chilled fall morning, pulling her jacket a little tighter around her body as she crossed in front of the hood to meet her fiancé as he closed the driver's side door. He walked up to her and pulled her into his arms, his wool coated body shielding her from the nippy weather while his gloved hands rubbed the cold area behind her neck.

"Better?" He asked a few moments later, the leather surface of his gloves now rubbing the color back into her cheeks. She nodded, eyes closed, and felt a covered finger dance along her bottom lip before she heard him say, "I love you."

She smiled. "I love you too."

It was the forty second time they had exchanged I love you's since they had become engaged the afternoon before, and the first time they had left the house since. Her smile intensified as they crossed the street, recalling the first time they had made love as a betrothed couple, and the hours after when they held each other, sharing memories, wishes, hopes, and future realities. They talked about what the rooms in their eventual house would look like, where they would go on winter holidays and summer vacations, the way they would introduce each other once the world would be invited into the reality of their impending union…

…and as her head lay against Bobby's warm chest, Alex knew this was how she wanted to spend each night, curled up against his heartbeat, for the rest of her life.

So wrapped up in their detailed musings, they were startled as the alarm clock beeped at 9 AM to welcome them to another overcast day. Despite the lack of sleep, both felt as rested as they had in months, and as her fiancé toyed with her the ring finger on her left hand he stated what was running jointly through their minds…

"_When should we go?_"

They entered the jewelers at quarter to eleven, her frame walking across the threshold into the warmth of the building followed by his body, hand directing her towards the displays reserved for engagements. As they neared the counter, an elderly man walked through the swinging oak door in the back of the shop and approached the shelves.

"Good morning," he said, extending a furrowed hand which Bobby took and shook kindly. "What can I do for you two?"

They looked at each other for a moment before breaking their joint gaze, her face turning a gentle crimson as she looked towards the floor while his hands clasped self consciously behind him. The old man smiled knowingly, and said, "You must have just gotten engaged."

Alex let her head bob slightly in a nod as Bobby wrapped his hand around hers. "Let me see what I can do for you…" the gentleman said as he pulled a key ring from his shirt's breast pocket and sifted through the jangling metal. "I'm Miles, by the way…" he said as he bent to unlock the sliding door of the cabinet. "Do you have an idea of what you are looking for?"

"Something simple," Alex said, her betrothed's thumb stroking the inside of her wrist. "Nothing flashy or garish, just…"

"Clean cut," he finished, looking through his collection. "That, we can do."

He let his fingers dance along the edges the display boxes before he settled on a set of rings. "These," he said as he set the box in front of them, "are very basic in form. Most of them, as you can see, are solitaires, with diamonds that are round or marquise in cut...those diamonds range anywhere from one-third carat to one and a half carats. There are a small number of rings in this set with side stones, but as you can see, the true detail of the rings is in the design of the band."

Looking among the various rings, Alex saw his point; the loops of metal were twisted in simple curves and, along with the clear straightforward shape of the diamonds, created simple and elegant rings. Before she became too attached to the collection, she turned to Bobby and asked, "What's our price range?"

Bobby just shook his head lightly and said, "Pick whatever you want."

Alex smiled and turned back towards the assortment. After a few minutes contemplation, she pointed at a ring tucked into the top right corner of the box, a small self conscious smile gracing her lips as Miles pulled it from the velvetted case and held it up to the light. ".75 carat diamond with a round cut," he stated, examining the sculpted stone as it projected mini rays of scattered light. "Nice choice," he said with a small nod, pointing his index finger towards the band. "The first loop of metal, the more slender, lighter band is made of platinum. You can see how shape is wavelike, and together with the thicker band that sits below it and follows the same pattern, they hold the diamond in place."

The graceful curvature of both circlets suspended the diamond in air, and the thoughtful way she watched as the stone prismed small beams of color between it's cut edges made the jeweler smile as he continued. "The ring's design is supposed to signify the depth of a relationship," he said as he watched the couple's gazes meet again. "The wave's shape on the thin and thick bands symbolizes how the true strength of love is under the surface. Most people don't see the work and effort that goes into a relationship, or the deep beauty and reward of real honest-to god everlasting love; they only see the crest of the wave, but it's true power is under the swell. If that gem stands for marriage, then the bands stand for the foundation and the eternal commitment to love."

By the time the jeweler had finished his explanation, Bobby's mouth had interlocked with hers, their fingers laced together. She broke the kiss and said softly, "Us in a nutshell."

"Would you like it?" He asked gently, and she nodded her head yes. He turned back to the jeweler and said with a tip of the head, "We'll take it."

As the elderly man prepared for the sale, Bobby let go of Alex and watched her wander among the displays as he approached the register. "Just curious," Bobby asked quietly, his voice lowered to avoid her detection. "How did you know so much about the design?"

Miles just chuckled softly to himself and winked. "This designer tends to know his best work." He printed the receipt and handed it to his customer. "The value is around nine hundred dollars, but…I have a feeling this ring will be put to good use, so I'll sell it to you for seven twenty five."

Bobby grinned. "Thanks," he said, looking behind him to make sure his fiancé was occupied before asking almost inaudibly. "Would you do me a favor? I have an idea for the wedding ring…"

They left forty minutes later with a flashing jewel on Alex's ring finger and a well placed kiss on Bobby's cheek, evident symbols of their everlasting devotion.

…

The bank statement didn't lie.

He looked down at the opened letter and sighed; Alex had been called back to work on a lead, and Bobby was somewhat thankful because now he could have some time to plan. He wasn't in any financial trouble; the media attention to kidnapping pushed the department into providing more than ample compensation and his debts from suspension were all but non-existant.

But he had two weeks left of paid leave before he would be forced to make a decision, and Bobby was sure whatever it was, it didn't include a future with the NYPD. As he looked at the nearly nine thousand dollars that made up his bank account, he knew it was time to get to business.

He walked inside the apartment and closed the door, toeing off his shoes and removing his jacket before heading into the living room. Reaching his desk, he opened the wooden drawer and sifted through old mail before he found it. The crisp red letterhead stood out on the cream sheets: Fordham University, Department of Criminal Science. A few days after the night when Alex assured him she was there to stay, he sent off the application that had been put on the backburner since his release from the hospital months ago. A reply in the mail a little over a week later and Bobby had let it slip into obscurity, afraid to take the final step.

But his view on everything brightened when she accepted his proposal. All the choices that lay before him seemed interconnected, a unified movement from where he was and the life that could and would be his. He looked over Department Head Jeffery Pendelton's signature at the bottom, soaking in the reality of his decision, and read through the letter for the final time.

_October 27, 2008_

_Detective Robert Goren,_

_Thank you for expressing interest in the position of Assistant Professor in the Criminal Science Department at Fordham University. You are one of many candidates to apply for the opening, and after reviewing the material it is clear that your experience in the world of academia is limited. The great majority of our applicants have gone through graduate and doctoral studies and various group research projects._

Bobby took a deep breath before continuing, as he did every time.

_That being said, your record of service in the Criminal Investigation Division of the Army is very strong, and your experience in the NYPD as a detective in the Major Case Squad would provide a very different insight into the study of criminology than the majority of the candidates applying. I would love to set up an appointment with you after a meeting where your proposal will be put up to greater review by myself and two tenured professors in serious consideration of your employment._

_Please refer to the attached material for more information on the interview._

_Sincerely,_

_Professor Jeffery Pendelton,_

_Head of the Department of Criminal Science_

_Fordham University _

He put the letter down on the table and dug out the envelope that sat beneath the legal pads in the desk's file cabinet. The attached information outlined the Q & A portion of the meeting, before which he was supposed to give a description of his projected advanced criminology course and its validity. Along with countless papers on presentation and responsibility, a cream colored card with the Fordham insignia was stapled to the front with a number.

Bobby picked up the phone but did not dial, conscious of the ripples this decision would set in motion. He would be making a major change in occupation at a pivotal point in his life, and in those moments he considered exactly what such a dramatic choice would really mean…

…_it means freedom, _he thought. _It means living a life that is mine. _

He put down the packet and pressed the ten-digit code.

…

_Freedom._

That's what Bobby repeated to himself as he stepped out of the elevator. Looking down at the sheet of directions the receptionist had given him over the phone, he turned left at the third door down the hallway and into a well lit sitting area. The woman sitting at the desk was obviously a student, chewing gum as she talked on the phone without noticing his presence.

He approached the counter, clearing his throat slightly in order to get her attention; she jumped at the sound and turned to see his 6'4" frame leaning over her desk.

"Oh, sorry," she said as she turned back to the phone to whisper a quick goodbye before facing him with her full attention. "Last name please?"

"Goren," he said, turning briefly to look at the large oak door behind him.

"Robert Goren," she said nonchalantly as she found the name in the date book in front of her before hesitating. The student looked back up at him with a trace of awe written on her face. "_Detective_ Robert Goren? From the paper?"

Bobby didn't know how to answer that question without going into a chapter in his life that he was trying to close; thankfully, the large door behind them opened as an aging man with black streaks in his silver cropped hair walked towards them.

"Detective Goren," he said, offering a hand, "It's nice to finally meet you."

Bobby extended his own to give the hand a firm shake. "I'm assuming you're Professor Pendelton?"

"Guilty," he replied with a warm smile. As the professor directed Bobby into the room, he detected something faint yet distinctly atypical about his guide.

At the doorway, Bobby turned slightly with an inquisitive gaze. "When did you come to America?"

Pendelton stopped for a second before turning to him with a grin. "At least fifteen years ago. How did you know?"

"You pronounced you with a hint of a British accent, and your last name is Pendelton."

His eyes weren't convinced. "A lot of American's have that last name…"

"Yes," said Bobby, "but the origin of the name is English. Your phrases are very typical of American academia, but your mannerisms are very precise, and going through the British education system would be a possible explanation for that."

The professor just shook his head and smiled. "I shouldn't have expected anything less from a criminal profiler. Please, come in." Bobby entered the room to see a whiteboard situated in front of two adults and a blank chair, which he watched Pendelton walk over to. "Detective, this is Anne Jewett and Paul Ackers, both tenured professors in our department. Anne," said Pendelton as he gestured to the woman sitting next to him, "has focused her research on the history of criminology as it relates to the concept of the societal norm. Her studies include mass surveys of social deviance and its relation to minorities and cultural background."

The female professor smiled, brushing a wayward strand of black hair back from her coffee-brown complexioned face. "It's nice to meet you," she said, the intense watchfulness in her eyes letting Bobby know she was going to make sure this interview stayed on track.

"Paul is returning to our department after spending a year in DC lobbying for better forensic technology in Virgina's crime labs. He focuses on the practices of criminal science in the public sector and applicable forensics."

Ackers gave a brief nod. "I look forward to learning about your proposal."

Pendelton turned back towards Bobby. "You know from the reading that I focus on the application of criminology in the courtroom, but now its time to focus on you. You can start your presentation any time."

Bobby took a deep breath, aiming to release the tension that was growing in his stomach, and began. He used the white board to explain the relation of practice in the field of profiling to greater understanding of human behavior, moving on to draw comparisons between past cases and comprehension of emotion. He wrote the name of the course proposal on the board, explaining that the best way someone with a future in profiling criminology could learn would be to become adept at reading as many people as possible.

"It's like riding a bike," he said, managing to focus on six pairs of eyes simultaneously. "The point at which you don't think about the details of the mechanism which is making you travel, the point at which you let your mind take you for the ride as much as your feet…that's the point at which you become truly capable."

He then went on to describe the upper level course in detail, outlining his syllabus and test schedule, describing the breakdown of points and the areas in which it would cross over with the sociology and psychology departments, and the ways in which they would study and practice the curriculum. As he wrapped up the presentation, Bobby went on to say that the biggest lesson students would take away would be that the science of criminology is flawed.

"There is no perfect read or examination. Criminology is constantly evolving, as are people…there is no way to be certain that what you've deduced is correct. I've spent over two decades of my life honing my investigative style and I am the first to admit my work is not perfect. It's just not possible to be right 100 of the time, but if you are able to understand where you are wrong it will be easier to see where your strengths are."

He put the cap back on the whiteboard pen as to signal the end of his talk and waited…

…but did not wait long.

"The course you are proposing," said Ackers, "would involve two very large departments and could easily cross over into either. Why the Department of Criminal Science?"

"Criminal Science would be nowhere without sociology," the detective responded. "Our society's definition of typical is what justifies the idea of the criminal: a deviant, someone who differs from our version of normal so much that he is a danger to our way of life. People who study profiling will learn that there is no absolute version of a criminal, that instead of viewing things in black and white there are multiple spectrums of different cultures' degrees of righteousness; an understanding of society is crucial to the practice.

"As for psychology, criminal profiling and psychological profiling are not the same thing; however, a basic understanding of psychology has helped me in NYPD cases countless times. Criminals always have a story, and if understanding how they function on a psychological level will increase your profile's accuracy, then it is worth it to know the fundamentals of cognitive science."

Jewett let a small smile grace her lips before it disappeared into the interrogation portion of his interview; Bobby knew that her area of expertise would interweave with the flow of his argument.

"You're not a typical applicant," she began. "I think we all can agree that most of our candidates' history with criminology comes from the academic level, and though some of our candidates have history in public policy or criminal justice, you are the only investigator of your standing to have applied for this position. I'm sure you realize that this would be a pay cut; assistant professors around here make about seventy five thousand where you've been making a little over a hundred. My question," she paused, making sure the genuine curiosity of her query was coming across, "is what is pulling you in this direction? Why are you making this change?"

Bobby knew enough from interviews that this type of question was usually taboo; however, he knew enough about academics that they would not stop questioning him until they found the elusive something that they were looking for.

"I've had a lot of opportunities in the army and the NYPD, with both Narcotics and Major Case, but the biggest opportunities I've had professionally involve gaining perspective. Personally, I have dedicated my life to the job, in a lot of cases sacrificing my professional opinion in order to surrender to the politics of it all. I want to teach here because I know if my views are compromised it will be over differences in opinion, not over public ties and deception. The actuality of being a police detective, especially in a unit with such high profile cases, also demands time and a precarious lifestyle." He smiled for a moment as his thoughts drifted homewards. "I'm engaged to a wonderful woman and I'm going to settle down, and I want to be able to concentrate for once on my family and life as much as my work. If that requires a pay cut, so be it; I'll have to adjust to the differences in profession, but if that means I come home at the end of the day knowing it was spent doing what I love, then none of it is really an obstacle."

The professors looked at each other for a second before Pendelton nodded and turned back to Bobby. "Thank you, Detective. If you'll wait outside, Professor Ackers, Jewett, and I will take a while to confer and then I'll call you back in with a decision."

Bobby nodded and gave a brief, "Thank you," before turning to the door. He sat himself in a chair in the waiting area, thinking about the interview as the colleagues debated in the room behind him. Jewett seemed to understand what he was saying and Pendelton was obviously curious, but Ackers looked like he had doubts.

Bobby exhaled a sigh; there really just was no way to tell. His mind wandered around Alex, the woman he was giving his life to; his profession, which he was abandoning for the chance to breathe again; his interview, which he was growing more and more uncertain about as the minutes ticked away on the surface of his watch.

He was lifted from his musings as the door opened and the department head stepped out.

"If you're ready," Pendelton said, "We've reached a decision."

**A/N: What? She did not just create a cliffhanger! Okay, I sort of did, but you won't wait very long...by tonight you'll find out the status of Bobby's employment. **


	11. Giving Thanks

**A/N: I wrote this chapter with a smile on my lips; I hope you enjoy : )**

"Bobby?"

"Yeah, Alex?"

"Could you give me a hand?"

He turned put down the razor, running his fingers over his chin to check for any trace of lingering beard before turning off the tap. He grabbed a towel and rubbed it over his face before heading into the bedroom, where he saw his fiancé with her arms stretched behind her head, trying to undo the silver chain resting on the back of her neck.

"Damn it," she cursed under her breath as he came up behind her and motioned for her to quit. "The clasp on this thing is ridiculous," she said as his capable fingers made quick work of the fastening.

"Trust me," he said regretfully as his fingers lingered on her neck, "I wish you didn't have to wear it too."

Although their engagement was common knowledge to those close to them, the case would not be given to the higher ups for another week, which meant that the most glaring symbol of their commitment was suspended on a chain, tucked under her sweater from the time Alex entered 1 Police Plaza until she left for home. They both weren't happy with the deception, but when Ross saw the rock on her ring finger in the elevator, she was reminded about the importance of their discretion. Forced to take the ring off only hours after she put it on her finger, she hoped that the extra time the Garner case was taking in SVU was worth it.

Alex placed the necklace in her hand and promptly withdrew the chain from the center of the ring. Sliding the circlet back to the base of her ring finger she finally let her lips form a smile, tilting her hand to watch the stone glimmer as it sat securely between the platinum bands. Turing his head to see her contented expression, he let his eyes drift south along the beautiful expanse of skin that ended with the sweetheart neckline of her russet colored dress.

She looked towards her right shoulder to see the direction of his eyes focus and shook her head. "Bobby," she said as he let his hand dance along the edge of the bodice, the skinny straps of her cocktail dress slipping on her shoulders. "We don't have time."

He glanced quickly at the alarm clock on his bedside table before returning his attention to the folds of copper that revealed a hint of her breasts. "We don't have to be there for another hour…"

"We'll be late," she said as her breath hitched; he had nudged his index finger under the fabric, teasing the sensitized skin above her nipple. "We can't be late to my parents' house…not for Thanksgiving Dinner…"

His focus had moved to the back of her dress where six small buttons had been left undone, leaving the small of her back exposed. The creamy length of it taunted him, and as he trailed his kisses down her spine her mind turned slowly in its cage.

"How about I give thanks right now?" he said softly as he reached the small of her back on his knees, hands grasping where the velvety material clung to her hips; at that point she couldn't have cared less about making it to the dinner on time. Luckily, the comparatively small voice of reason fought its way past her lips.

"I thought you wanted to be the one to tell them the news?"

His mouth stopped drawing its line against her skin, and as he stood up it was hard for her not to feel a twinge of regret. After doing up the buttons and the final hook at the top

his arms wrapped around her middle and he gave her kiss a gentle peck. "Later," he promised in the husky voice she had come to know extremely well before letting go.

As he walked back to the bathroom to finish getting dressed, Alex grabbed her brush off the dresser to sweep stray strands back into place. "Damn buttons," she muttered as she secured the clip that held the twist of hair in position.

…

The front door was opened to Bobby and Alex that night by an elated set of blue eyes.

"Aunt Alex!" Nathan yelled in delight. "And Aunt Alex's friend!"

He was quickly pulled away from the door by two wrinkled hands and replaced by Anne Eames. "John! They're here!" she yelled over her shoulder before turning eagerly to the couple on her doorstep. "Please, come in! Come in!" she beckoned, waving them through the entryway. As soon as they stepped inside Anne gave Bobby a warm hug; he jolted for a second before she pulled back, laughter in her eyes. "Don't be afraid, Bobby, Nathan's not dangerous…Alexandra, come here!" Anne wrapped her arms around her daughter quickly before turning back towards the sounds coming from the interior.

"We've all been waiting to see you," she said as she led them down the hallway. "Frankly, Elise and Jane have been expecting you two to get together for a while so they'll have plenty of questions-"

"Mom, really?" Alex protested.

"Honey, stop complaining, you should have brought him to dinner sooner…and you should take your hands out of your sweater, you'll stretch the sleeves," she chastised as she steered them into the deliciously smelling room on the right. "Girls," she announced, "They're here." Alex's sister and in laws quit the poking at their respective dishes and appeared swiftly at Anne's side.

"Alex," Jane said expectantly as she hugged Alex, "Why didn't you tell me you were dating your partner?"

"Jane!" Becky said reproachingly. "Sorry, Alex, we all just want to know more about you guys…" She clasped her sister in law's shoulder as she looked up at her fiancé. "Whoa! Hello Bobby…I see why she has been trying to keep you a secret."

Elise just shook her head and smiled as her five-year-old son rushed to her side. "It's nice to see you again," she said to Bobby warmly, pointing her hand across the hall. "Dinner'll be ready in about twenty minutes, so before you say you're just going to stay here and help with the preparation you should go join the boys in the living room before they come find you."

"She's right," Anne agreed. "My sons have been chomping at the bit to talk to you, and John wants you to help him out with the finer points of chess."

"Mom, you're scaring him!" Alex groaned.

"Really, Alex, it's fine," Jane said soothingly, "They won't hurt him. Go," she told Bobby, "let us chat a bit with our sister."

As soon as Bobby left the room, Becky turned to Alex with wide eyes. "Well why haven't I met him?"

Alex smirked. "Maybe because you were getting married to Sam during his sabbatical?"

"No excuse," she said with mock hurt, "I missed all of those moments where you two apparently didn't realize your affection-"

"You would have seen them being all lovey-dovey if you were at the little guy's birthday party," Jane teased.

"Hey! Weekends when I am called overseas for the firm do not count!" Becky fought back.

"Guys," Elise said, "we are concentrating on Bobby here, hold back the daggers-" They regrouped their attention to the interrogation. "So…how's he doing?"

Becky had a light bulb moment. "He was the detective from the paper!"

"No, he was a detective _before _the paper," Alex said. "Now…well, I don't know what he's going to do now."

"So he's left Major Case?" asked Jane.

"He's going to."

"So he's doing better, right?"

"Yeah. It's been tough, but he is."

"Great!" Alex's mother grinned as gave Nathan a leftover marshmallow from the production of candied yams. "So you're still staying at his apartment?" she asked.

"What?" the three interrogators chimed in unison as Alex blushed.

"You're sleeping with him?" Jane stated more than asked.

"Right on!" Becky said as she stuck a spoon in the cranberry sauce and gave Nathan a taste.

"Only recently," Alex admitted.

"What do you mean, only recently? He's gorgeous!" Becky said, as if not sleeping with this man was the greatest of sins.

"I think that she's noticed, Becks," Elise winked.

"So what brought that on?" Jane said curiously. "Besides the fact that we all concur his bones are worth jumping…"

"Alex, why are your hands in your sleeves?" Elise asked. "Are you cold or- Guys, will you stop feeding spoon-feeding my son!"

Alex sighed. She had promised Bobby that he would be the one to let the family know about their engagement, but the way their questioning was going she doubted they would be able to stay on the subject of her sleeves for more than five seconds.

While she was busy dodging questions, Bobby was undergoing a mini interrogation of his own.

"Bobby!" Ben said warmly as he entered the room to see his sister-in-law's partner surrounded by her brothers. "It's about freaking time!"

"Ben, we were just finding out more about this guy," Bill said as he gave the newcomer a wink. "Have anything of importance to tell us?"

"Only know he works with your sister, man," Ben said with a smile. "You should know."

"Uh, actually," Bobby began before the hazing began again.

"Yeah, yeah, you stopped working with her," said Eddie, "but you started this thing before then, right?"

"Um…" Bobby murmured, unsure of how to reply.

"Guys!" The four men turned to see Sam coming through the hallway. "Are you giving him a hard time?"

Eddie and Bill adopted looks of desperate confusion.

"Us?" Bill said. "Give our sister's boyfriend a hard time?"

"Only every one since the 7th grade!" Sam rebuked.

"Hey, not every one," Eddie complained. "She kicked what's-his-name from sophomore year's ass all on her own-"

"Did you ever think that she might want to convince him that our family is normal?" Sam crossed his arms expectantly.

"He already knows her," Bill said, "and he's met us before when they were _partners_, so I'm assuming he made the choice to date her knowing he was entering the nuthouse-"

"Therefore," Eddie finished with a smirk, "he has forfeited his rights to council before interrogation."

"Well, Eddie, I'm glad they taught you big words at the Academy…frankly Bill, I'm surprised you learned any complex syllables fighting fires."

The brothers in question looked at each other knowingly.

"Superiority complex, Eddie?" Bill asked.

"Naw," Eddie responded. "That never happens with older brothers…"

"Understand any of it?" Ben whispered to Bobby as the three took jabs at each other. Bobby just shook his head, so Ben gave him a rundown of the dynamics. "By now you know the pecking order: Sam, Elise, Eddie, Alex, then Bill. Sam's the big brother, basically been the girls' protector since day one. He works at the 45th precinct in the Bronx as sergeant and he just got married to Rebecca- Becky- in January. My wife, Elise, you know…Eddie's with the 122 in Staten Island and has had a string of girlfriends but nothing's stuck yet. Bill is the brother closest to him in age; he's a firefighter and has been married to Jane for…forever. She's a nurse at Jamaica Hospital in Queens and their kids, Angela, Tommy, and Lily are in the room with the computer doing God knows what on the internet."

"Hey, guys!" Eddie said loudly. "I hate to interrupt your powwow but Bill and I are getting pummeled here." Alex's father had entered the room and along with Sam was engaging in a battle of comebacks with Bill and Eddie.

"They're not going to help you," John Eames said, "Are you Ben?"

"No sir," Ben replied with a grin.

"And you guys have probably been interrogating Bobby so much his tongue has turned blue," the leading Eames tisked. "It's good to see you again, son," he said clapping Bobby on the back. "I hear your dating my daughter."

"Yes sir," Bobby replied nervously, which was only met with all around laughter.

"Really, Robert, you don't need to call me sir," John grinned. "Ben does it to pull my leg, but only the people that make me angry need to address me that way." He put a serious expression on his face. "You're not going to make me angry are you?"

Bobby knew he was referring to Alex. "I'd never hurt your daughter, Mr. Eames"

"Call me John, really, you were her partner for eight years, you get to call me by my first name…so Alex said you'd want to talk to me?"

Before he could respond, Anne appeared in the doorway. "Boys, get the kids, it's time for dinner."

At the mention of dinner, the entire Eames house seemed to rumble with the mass migration of pilgrims moving towards the dining room table. Bobby thought as he was pushed along that this must be what a typical American family was like, and at that moment he was slightly thankful he didn't have to grow up in one.

Once the family was situated around the table, which was overflowing with food, John Eames motioned for the family to say grace. Alex had chosen her seat so that Bobby sat on her left; at the moment everybody took hands she pulled hers out of her sleeves under the table and grasped Elise's left as well as her fiancé's right. John turned to Anne for a second with a questioning glance before she nodded and he looked towards Bobby. "I realize this is usually the part where I give the thanks, but it seems to me that our guest has had something to say all night. Since my sons, who I love dearly, have been too thickheaded to notice, I think we should let Bobby say grace…after all, he's dating my daughter so he'd better be thankful!"

The table exploded in laughter; Bobby's thumb rubbed over the spot on her hand where Alex's ring sat, and she knew that it was time. The whole family bowed their heads as Bobby began.

"John's right," he started steadily. "I do have a lot to be thankful for. I am lucky enough to get the chance to sit around this table with a very strong family; if this were any other year, I'd probably just be sitting at home hoping for a call to go in to work and feel useful. You see, before I met Alex my soul dedications were the force and taking care of my mother. My work was my life, but it never seemed like it was enough.

"But then I was fortunate enough to get partnered with the beautiful, smart, brave woman who is sitting next to me, and my world changed. She taught me how to exist all over again…she helped me through every struggle, every hardship…

"And when my mother died, it started going downhill. I thought I'd never find a way to fill the void in my chest, to feel again…but of course she pulled me back together. I never let myself need anyone before, but I must have let that go somewhere along the line, because I do. I depend on her…I love her.

"So I want to give thanks. I'm thankful for the food that Alex's sisters and mother spent hours making, thankful for the presence of a great family to enjoy it with, and most of all, thankful for your daughter. I'm thankful that I'm blessed enough to have her in my life. I'm thankful that she's given me more love than I've ever known…and…"

Bobby took a quick breath before looking up at the people at the table, whose down turned gazes shifted to the joined hands that had suddenly appeared atop the red tablecloth.

"I am thankful that I've been given the opportunity to ask Alexandra Eames to be my wife," he said, capturing Alex's gaze with a smile. He moved his hand to reveal her ring, the diamond shimmering brightly under the light of the brass chandelier. "And I am so thankful that she said yes."

A wave of surprise hit the dining table so hard the aftershock reached the kiddie table in the corner; four children turned their heads to see their mothers' gasps and their fathers' eyes widen, their Uncle Eddie shout an "I knew it!" and their Uncle Sam and Aunt Jane clasp each other's hands. They watched as their grandmother smiled and their grandfather paused for a moment before saying, "It's about time! Let's eat."

The rest of the dinner was filled with congratulations from all sides. Eddie slipped Ben a fifty under the table as Bill and Sam argued over who would wear the pants in their sister's family. John came over and gave Bobby a pat on the back, saying "I couldn't have said it better myself." He smiled. "Welcome to the family."

Once Nathan realized what was going on he jumped out of his seat and ran to his favorite Aunt. "I told you! I told you! He liiikes you, huh?" The blond haired boy looked at Bobby expectantly.

"Yeah," he said to his pint-sized inquirer, "I really do."

"So you get to be my Uncle too? Cool! You can make more balloon animals!" And with that exclamation he ran back over to his table and beamed for the rest of the meal.

After the food had been eaten and the dishes had been cleared away, the girls and the family's matriarch gathered around their sister and her fiancé.

"Have you guys set a date yet?" Jane asked.

"We just announced our engagement thirty minutes ago," Alex teased gently. "But we were thinking about the twenty fourth of December."

"Christmas Eve?" the sisters asked as if synchronized.

"Yeah," Alex responded, her left hand being meticulously examined by her two-year-old niece, who liked shiny things, as she looked towards Bobby, whose fingers were interlaced with her right. "We figured its one of those times that's all about miracles, and well…we're kind of each other's miracle."

"Not to mention the majority of the people we want to invite will have the time off from the force or will gladly request leave," Bobby added.

"Well, I hope we can consider ourselves invited," Elise joked.

"Yeah, I think I would remember to invite my wedding party." Alex watched as the women laughed, giving her appreciative glances.

"What about you, Bobby?" Becky asked lightly "Know who your people are?"

Bobby smiled gently as he responded. "My brother family's kind of out of the picture, but I'm going with Lewis, Deakins, Ross, and Mike…Lewis has been my best friend since I let him play with my toy cherry red convertible in the forth grade, and if it weren't for Deakins Alex and I wouldn't exist. Mike and Ross, who has been a pain in my side and a kick in the butt, have been amazing through all of the stuff we've had to go through over the past few months so they're definitely in…Alex said she's going to make Megan Wheeler a part of her bridal party as well."

John came up and put an arm around his wife. "Have you two figured out how you're going to pay for all this?" he asked.

"Well," Alex said, "We've got some money put away-"

"I'll bet you do," John Eames said, "but your mother and I kind of saw this coming. If you're willing to let your sisters help with the planning, I think we've got it covered."

Alex's eyes widened. "Really, Dad, you don't have to-"

"No, but I want to," he said with a grin. "The job I have in the city is going well, and I want to give this to a pair that will appreciate it. End of story, Alexandra."

"Your father's right," her mother said. "And you know how stubborn an Eames can be, so don't try to stop him."

After the coffee had been finished and the time made evident, the Eames clan headed to the door to put on their coats and head out once again into the world. As Bobby helped Alex into her coat he whispered into her ear, "There's something else I'm thankful for."

She turned to face him as he took a folded paper out of his coat pocket and handed it to her. She looked at him curiously before opening the letter and reading the first few lines.

_Memo: Formal Recognition of Employment_

_Department of Criminal Science_

_Fordham University_

_Mr. Robert Goren,_

_You are invited to teach at Fordham University as an Associate Professor in the Department of Criminal Science beginning January 12__th__, Spring Semester 2009-_

"Oh my God!" Alex spoke, her shocked voice powerful enough to gain the surrounding family's attention.

"What is it?" Anne asked her daughter.

She looked up from the letterhead, tears of joy streaming down her face. "He's going a professor at Fordham," Alex said proudly before she gave her fiancé a warm-hearted kiss.

The family celebrated their thanks for the second time that night.


	12. Acknowledgement

**A/N: It's that time…gosh, this feels like Mr. Roger's last episode of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Don't be confused: this is not the end of the story! With all the outlining I've done it's probably going to be twice as long as Covers, and in a way I think that makes sense because this is about BA and their lives as they live them, and they've got a lot of living left to do.**

**But because they must get on with their lives, I'm afraid you'll have to say goodbye to the crossover aspect of this story. I hope you'll enjoy the last appearance of SVU.**

Once again, Dr. George Huang opened the door before either of them knocked, leaving Alex's hand suspended in midair as the psychiatrist smiled warmly at the couple.

She let her hand drop, her stare turning skeptical. "There's no way you-"

"Could possibly hear two pairs of feet stop outside of my door?" Huang smiled at Alex's disbelief. "Trust me, it gets that quiet in here; besides paperwork and evaluations nothing much happens…not to mention the front desk always notifies me when people visit, so I know to look out for it. Come on in."

He motioned for the couple to walk ahead of him, and as they passed him Huang could have sworn he saw Alex shoot an "I told you so" glance in Bobby's direction. Letting the topic slip from his mind, he closed the door and walked over to his chair, noticing their proximity as Alex let Bobby lead her to the couch before they both sat down, his arm draping over her shoulders.

"Apparently," Huang said as he sat in his chair, watching Bobby's thumb rub circles into her sweater, "Something big has happened since the last time I saw either of you."

Alex turned her head downwards as a crimson flush grew over her cheeks and Bobby played with a stray thread on the seam of his pants, the epitome of feigned innocence. "Granted, I haven't seen you two together in session," the doctor began, trying to make the situation less awkward, "But from our previous talks I've gathered that you two seem a lot more…intimate."

She looked up to meet Bobby's gaze, both smiling over the important detail that lay hidden beneath the red cashmere of Alex's sweater.

"If you have something to tell me," Huang inquired, "now would be the time."

Bobby nodded to Alex before she broke their gaze, reaching towards the back of her neck for the chain that was hidden below the high neckline of her pullover. As she pulled it out, Huang already knew what would be the pendant.

"You two are engaged?" He said as the ring finally appeared, concealing his astonishment at the sight of the symbol resting just above her bosom.

"It's been a little over four weeks," Bobby replied.

"Congratulations," he offered warmly. "So the reason you haven't been to see me is-"

"We've been busy," Bobby offered, hoping that Huang would understand its significance…

…and as the doctor's eyes widened in question, Bobby could only smile softly and nod.

"Alex, I'm assuming this means that the physical aspect of your relationship is no longer an issue?" he directed at the female detective's down turned face.

She looked up at him with an embarrassed grin on her face. "It hasn't been an issue for four weeks," she said as she flushed self-consciously.

Huang looked back to his desk, counting back the weeks on his date book's calendar; it was all starting to add up. "That wouldn't have been the day when 1 PP was on lockdown, would it?"

At the mention of that paralyzing hour Bobby's arm automatically tightened around Alex's shoulders. "Sometimes it takes the fear of losing something precious to understand what it's really worth," he said directly.

Dr. George Huang was stunned. His patient, who had encountered more emotional stress and sexual trauma than the majority of the men who served in blue, had overcome his fears for the most part by himself; had it not been for the eloquence of the words the doctor would not have believed it came from Bobby. The man who had refused to talk about his abuse, the man who shut himself away from everyone he knew in a form of blind self-preservation, had pulled a complete u-turn. He looked happy, healthy, and as Huang watched him look towards his fiancé he couldn't help but feel he was lucky to have the chance to be a part of his recovery.

_Alex,_ Huang thought_, you really do work miracles._

"The fact that you are saying these words makes the reality that this is our last session a great deal less frightening for me," Huang agreed before getting to the heart of the questioning. "Who else knows?"

"Captain Ross and Alex's family," Bobby replied. "We told them over Thanksgiving?"

"So I'm guessing it was a good night?" Huang asked.

"It was more than good," he said, his eyes smiling before the words left his lips. "I've been hired to teach criminology at Fordham."

"Wow," the doctor said, another surprise from the once reclusive man before him. "You two have had a lot of changes…great changes; that's really wonderful." He was afraid to smile too broadly at the couple who had found happiness despite the overwhelming obstacles that they had faced, overstepping his professional boundaries with over enthusiasm, so he settled on straightforward talk. "You guys have a lot to celebrate."

Bobby looked at Alex and their eyes met, knowing they were reminiscing over the same memory.

_They arrived at the SUV in the early morning, where the only sounds were the yelps of family members at the bitingly cold November air as they headed across the street to their own cars. She stood at the driver's side for a moment, reflecting on the marvelous turns the evening had taken and smiled. She raised her gloved hand to brush back the strands of hair the breeze was pulling out of her chignon as she felt two strong arms wrap around her waist._

_She lifted her head to see his reflection in the car door window before turning in his embrace to face him. The movements his hands were now making against her back corresponded with the craving his dark eyes were streaming into her pupils. The strong caresses that his palms kneaded into the small of her back eradicated any sense of cold that she had felt prior, and as they became lengthier, sliding from the dip in her spine down to where her tailbone began she doubted that the Gobi Desert had ever been as heated as she had become. A stroke angled from just below her shoulder blade pressured every nerve ending in her spinal cord as it glided down to press against where her hips gave way to rounder, firmer flesh, and her back arched involuntarily. She wanted him, right there if she had to, and frankly she couldn't care what nosey family member was watching._

"_I think," he said in the rich bass that his voice had become, "That later is now."_

"_Bobby," she said breathlessly as his strokes could no longer be mistaken as anything but heavy petting. "If you don't stop I'm going to come right now-" _

_A throaty rumble swept from his mouth as he captured her lips in a ferocious kiss. Her arms wrapped around his neck, clinging to the only life preserver in the rage of the storm. She had unleashed his sexual fury, and as his hands pushed her body against his and his fingers tangled themselves hopelessly into her hair, all Alex could do was hold on as their bodies led them head first into blistering heat. _

_He pushed her back against the SUV as he pressed against her, pinning her between the cold black metal and the warm contours of his body. He could feel how warm she had become and her frenzied kisses become more and more passionate, but when her breasts pushed firmly against his chest through both their opened coats, grating round buds dragging against his torso through the velvety material of her dress, he lost the last semblance of his control._

_Holding his impassioned lover firmly against his front, he used his right hand to yank the back door open. In two swift movements he had her back flush against the leather interior, his jacket and gloves off, and his knee posed at the back seat's entrance. She was panting heavily as he climbed in, shutting the door behind him. His right knee planted next to her thigh, he reached between the front seats to turn the car on; heat began pouring through the car vents and the windows quickly fogged over. He turned back to Alex with a mischievous grin as he said, "I don't want to share you."_

_Still speechless, she could do nothing but watch as he made quick work of her gloves in another smoothly seductive move removed her of her coat and sweater. When his belt was thrown over the backseat, she was sure the trunk had to be almost full of the clothing they had discarded, but as his hands drifted up her thigh and melted every nerve ending as they got closer and closer to her heat, she really didn't care._

_The dress' length was now bunched up right below her waist, his hands pulling her lacy black panties over her stilettos. She couldn't see much besides the impassioned look on his face as her shoes flew over the divide, but she could hear as his zipper dropped and the feel as his strong arms brought her torso flush against his as his desperate lips found hers once again. She almost cried out in overwhelming pleasure as he entered her, her legs now wrapped around his hips as her back pressed against the hot leather seat. He pushed deeply into her without restraint, and as she tried to remember how to breathe the coil within her sweltering heat became so tight and hot that every thrust that entrenched him further inside her burned with pleasure._

_There were no words, only buried screams as they both exploded into ecstasy simultaneously. Alex's fingers raked along the back of his blue button down shirt as his rigid grip on her buttocks only intensified. They couldn't stop gasping for air in the stifling heat of the car, the fog on the windows so thick that it would have been impermeable to even the best of eyes. _

_As they gradually learned how to breathe again, Bobby let Alex's worn out body lie against the interior as he hovered above her, pushing her now untamed hair back from her face. She smiled contentedly, whispering softly, "I like it when you give thanks."_

_His eyes regained their mischievous spark as he replied, "Who said that I'd finished?"_

"We've done a lot of celebrating already," Bobby said, trying to hold back the smug expression that was threatening to take over his face.

"Oh," said Huang, who didn't mistake his body language for a second. "Well, I'm extremely glad things have gotten on track. I just have one last question to ask you before I wrap this up and give you the run down on my professional evaluation." Bobby and Alex nodded and the doctor pulled out his notepad and a pen. "Have you two thought through the impact of your decision to marry, notwithstanding the review of the Garner case?"

"Yes," they responded concurrently. Bobby looked to Alex and nodded, giving her the go ahead. "I think it's important to realize that our relationship had started at such a…deep level that neither of us really saw it as dating. I mean, the circumstances of how we ended up together were so far from conventional that…I guess I just never saw it as something so casual. My mom referred to him as my boyfriend once, and for some reason that didn't sit well with me…not because I didn't feel like we were that involved, but because we were so much more involved than that." Bobby gave her shoulder a squeeze before she continued. "We both didn't know where we were going with this…after Nicole and her crap it was pretty much impossible to say what was going to happen in the future; things were serious, but we weren't sure if it was commitment to God serious…but when he asked me…" She looked into Bobby's eyes. "There was no question of whether I wanted to say yes, because I had hoped for that from him from the beginning…so if the question is if we thought about it, there's no doubt that we had."

"Being with her changed me," Bobby said, eyes still locked with hers. "From the beginning I knew that I loved her, which is really saying something for me, but when I started to open up after the Garner case, to admit what happened, things started getting better for us. It was all coming together, and I felt capable of giving her that commitment, whereas before I had wanted to but knew I wasn't in the right position to ask it of her." He turned to Huang. "I am now. My life is getting back on track and I'm making changes and working hard to make sure it stays there. The engagement isn't something that was based on an unstable relationship. It's a promise that I walked into making sure that I would be able to keep it...after I had to face the thought of losing that, there is no way that I would let Nicole take her away from me, whether it was through the department's case review or with her own hands. "

Huang nodded, and ducked his head as if looking through his notes only to conceal his wide smile. "Good," he said, putting the pad down and returning his attention to the couple before him. "As you know, this is the last time you'll be seeing me as part of this investigation. I feel like it's only fair that I tell you the evaluation I'm going to give to Detectives Benson and Stabler before they turn in your case tomorrow.

"I do believe that your romantic relationship began at a time which left you vulnerable. The nature of the work that you were doing, coinciding with the depth of your relationship put you in danger." He paused as they held their breath, afraid of the next words that would come from his mouth. "However, the aspect of vulnerability would not have been there had Wallace not created a case which was given to you only to attempt to destroy your lives. From talking to you each respectively, it is obvious that with or without this case you two would have realized the strength of your devotion each other, which makes the argument that you were reckless in your decision to explore your feelings pointless. The history of emotional exchange you two have with each other is not typical, and because despite discouragement there is no written rule of fraternization I cannot find you derelict in your responsibilities when you've obviously committed the majority of your lives to the shield.

"As for the events that occurred after the kidnapping, your relationship was pushed to the emotional brink, and you managed to find the strength to support each other and commit to your love in ways most married couples never can. The fact that you two became engaged during the Garner case review only serves to prove your dedication to each other regardless of the personal or professional consequences.

"I believe that the current standing of your jobs should be maintained, and that Detective Goren's decision to leave should not be met with consequences for you, Detective Eames, which is what I am recommending."

Both detectives were beaming by the end of his announcement, and as they prepared to leave Alex reached inside of her purse to take out a small cream-colored envelope. "Dr. Huang?" she said as he walked them to the door. "We wanted you to have this."

He took the envelope from her outstretched hand and opened it to see a crisp crimson card centered with a translucent sheet of print.

_The pleasure of your company is requested_

_at the wedding of_

_Alexandra Eames _

_&_

_Robert Goren_

_On the Twenty Forth Of December, _

_Two Thousand Eight_

_At five o'clock in the afternoon_

_At the United Methodist Church of Brooklyn_

"I wish I could, but…" Huang shook his head sadly. "As an advisor to your case-"

"We know, it would be unprofessonal," Alex replied with a sad smile, "but we wanted you to know that we were thinking of you…if it weren't for you we may have never gotten to this point."

"I disagree," Huang stated frankly. "There have been many people around to help you, me, your friends and family, but your love got you to this point. Never forget that." He watched them smile at each other and walk into the hallway.

"Good luck," Huang said quietly as he watched them leave, knowing that this would be one of the rare moments where he felt like his job was truly doing good.

…

"Hey!"

Alex turned around to see the two SVU detectives walking up to them. "Bobby," she said across their desks, "It's Benson and Stabler."

He was taking the last of his belongings from his desk in Major Case, packing them into a small box and a briefcase; the only remaining item on its surface was a formal letter of resignation. He lifted his head and smiled as they strolled across the squad room in 1 PP as if they hand delivered cases to the brass every day.

"How did it go?" Bobby asked.

"We followed Huang's decision, as promised," Benson said as she bobbed her head in hello to Alex. "After reading what you two have been through for a few months, we would have been crazy not to."

"After running after perps all day, with the kind of crap we have to deal with, it was nice to deal with a case in which two people _actually _cared about each other," Stabler added.

Detective Benson turned to her partner with wide eyes. "Did he just say that?" she said in mock disbelief. "Elliot Stabler's got a soft side?"

"Yeah, Liv," he said as he rolled his eyes. "On the days when I don't beat up lockers and cuff perps, I actually have a heart."

"Uh-huh," she said before turning back to Bobby. "Well, we just wanted to tell you it's in, and your relationship is in the clear…well…"

"What she means is you can stop pretending like we all can't see the necklace you've been hiding for a month," Logan yelled from his desk as Alex adopted an embarrassed expression.

"Anyway," Stabler finished, "Because it's Major Case it should only be in review for a few weeks but…" He lowered his voice as he said, "Cragen is putting the pressure on them to get it done by the 9th before you guys get really far into planning the wedding…but you can start acting like a couple now."

Bobby smiled and gave a brief thank you before they turned and headed back to the elevator. "They're good people," he said to Alex as he put the last item, his leather portfolio, in the box.

"Yeah," she said, putting down her work and standing up as Ross came to their desk.

"It's in?" he asked, and as they nodded Bobby handed him his resignation. The Captain took it, smiling gently as he said, "I understand, and I want you to know that even though a lot of the times we didn't see eye to eye, being your captain was a great experience."

"Thanks, sir," he said as he looked at Alex with a gaze that gave her the go ahead. She took the necklace out from under her green blouse and removed the ring, placing it securely on her left hand's ring finger. "We actually have a favor to ask you," he added, watching as Megan and Mike nearly ran to their desks at the sight of the rock on Alex's finger.

"Anything," Ross said.

"Well," Alex said as she opened the top drawer of her desk to show the hoard of invitations. "Since you're going to be in the wedding party, mind if you make the announcement?"

Ross adopted a confused look before he asked, "Seriously?"

Bobby smiled. "Alex and I met at work, and some of our best lessons have been learned here…definitely Deakins, Mike and Megan included, and you sir…if it weren't for you saving our asses in a lot of cases we wouldn't be here. I know I wasn't the easiest detective to deal with, but we'd love it if you three would be part of the wedding."

Mike turned to Megan and dug through his pocket to hand her a twenty. "Don't say I told you so," he said with a scowl.

Megan laughed. "Well, not to lord it over you, but…"

"Whatever," he muttered as Alex and Bobby held back their laughter.

"So," said Alex, "Whenever you're ready."

Ross thought about the fact that his protégé and her smart aleck partner had joined the interoffice betting pool for only a second before turning to face his squad of officers, who by now had all noticed something big was going on.

"Detectives," Ross began as the squad listened curiously, "Are any of you too busy to go to a wedding?"


	13. Hectic

**A/N: I really wanted to get right to the wedding, but this chapter needed to be written. We've seen how Bobby's professional life was affected by the Garner case, so now it's time to see what happens with Alex and her career.**

_This is ridiculous._

Alex rushed straight into mid-afternoon traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge, and in her opinion, another unwelcome occurrence of the bad luck that had taken over her week. She looked into the rear view mirror and scowled: her eyes were covered in deep brown shadow, auburn irises peeking through darkened lashes. The past week had been busy beyond belief, and the mutual responsibilities of planning a wedding and work seemed to always conflict with each other. She had been called out of dress fittings and ceremonial decisions, meetings with the church they were marrying in and the reception hall they had booked, visits to the photographer and the caterers, and most recently, the styling appointment she had left 30 minutes ago at the sound of her work cell's pager. Her sisters had told her to go, her mother had given her a kiss on the cheek, and her stylist just looked annoyed; she could only briefly explain to the woman wielding a curling iron that she was a cop before running out the door to try and beat the traffic she was now surrounded by. She was certain that the rouge on her cheeks and the crimson tinted gloss on her lips would not ware off before she made it to the squad room, and that meant one thing…

…Mike Logan would never let her live it down.

She pulled a stray curl back into place as she grimaced. Despite the fact that he lost his bet on Ross' inclusion in the wedding party, he was still extremely smug that he was the only detective in Major Case to call their engagement occurring sometime between Columbus and Veterans' Day. When those who lost to him would come to his desk with suspicions he would only reply, "A holiday about a man who went into uncharted territory and a holiday for people who are dedicated to protecting the public? Too easy…" before going into the finer points of his twisted sense of astrological wisdom.

Megan wouldn't be of any active help; her slumbering body currently splayed across the back seat, she had been with Alex for the majority of the week. She couldn't help but be grateful that her colleague was willing to be her bridesmaid when the case they were handling was finally coming together, and therefore demanding more and more of their time. She sighed, noting that if she had started planning the wedding earlier she might not be in this mess; as it was, Bobby and her father were handling their side of things remarkably well and had even offered to help her with the planning, but Alex was adamant about handling the bridal party herself.

"I can't have the girls getting their hands on you," she teased her fiancé when he asked to relieve her of some of the work for the seventh time that morning.

The interweaving of her work with her wedding meant that her former boss James Deakins, Captain Ross, and Mike Logan was showing up at their apartment on the weekends for fittings along with Lewis and her father, which was always full of laughter, and meant that Ross had started calling Bobby at random times during the day, which was slightly irritating, especially when they were taking the time to enjoy the spare moments they had together in various positions….

…but most of all, it meant that as she pulled up to the building she wished she still had time for a martini after work before their meeting with the florist.

She turned into her parking spot before turning off the car and gently waking Megan, whose face was adorned with enough makeup to cause her to frown at the image in the car's side mirror. "Forget about it," Alex said as she pulled her colleague away from her reflection.

"Logan's going to start-"

"Trust me, we're never going to be able to get this crap off of our faces ourselves anyway," Alex replied as they stepped in the elevator. Megan pressed the button and let the door slowly close before changing topics.

"Have you heard back about the Garner case yet?"

Alex sighed at the most current source of anxiety in her life. The case should have been through review by now, but as the 9th of December turned into the 10th and then 11th with no news, she started to carry around an air of unease. As the elevator doors retracted and the female detectives entered the floor of their squad at 2:26 pm on December 12th, she worried that maybe their argument wasn't as convincing to the Chief of D's as it was to SVU.

"Not yet-" she began before the hazing began.

"Wow," said Logan as they walked into the squad room, "Wheeler, you look-"

"Can it, Mike," Megan said grumpily as she strode past him to her desk, laying her head on its surface.

"I'm just saying," he said as he walked over, leaning against her desk, "If I didn't know that you could kick my ass in five seconds flat I'd say you look pretty sexy-"

"But I can," she said as she lifted her head, her painted syrupy expression dripping with cyanide. "And if you don't move your butt off my paperwork I will lay you out so fast your tiny brain will be bouncing around your thick skull hard enough to leave irreversible neuron damage."

Mike Logan stood there in momentary awe of the fact his half-conscious partner had just out-combacked him before turning to his last source of entertainment. "So Eames," he said as he strolled towards her desk, "What's the special occasion? You're not getting married for a few weeks, is there anyone Bobby shou-"

"Look, Logan!" Alex said as her chair spun around to startle the over-confident detective. "I am pulling nineteen hour days, being herded around by my sisters, running all over the city and all five boroughs, and currently trying to keep from destroying my cell phone with my stapler, so please," she said as she huffed out an angry breath, her face livid. "If you could hold back on the ridicule so I can finish this case it would be great, because I can't deal with another interruptio-"

"Eames, something's come up with the Harlem Arson," they heard over Alex's raised voice. The captain moved quickly towards the hallway before pausing and thinking better of it. "Logan, Wheeler, you too…"

As the three detectives dropped their verbal daggers and followed him into the elevator, Ross waited to talk until the door was closed. "Eames, we've found Derekson."

Their six eyes widened collectively. "Felix Dereckson?" Alex asked. "From the Atlantic Neo-Nazi Leauge? I thought that we'd alibied him-"

"You did," Ross continued as he rubbed the bridge of his nose, "and his story checked out, he was at his daughter's dance recital…but it wasn't in Hoboken like the Mayview Dance Company testified."

"What?" Mike said. "No, we checked him out through and through. He had the perfect motive, but witnesses saw him in Jersey…"

"Just as many witnesses said they saw him in Fort Lee," Wheeler said as Mike rolled his eyes.

"Wheeler, you can't possibly take the word of a group of Fascists over a bunch of civilians-"

"When Dereckson owed them one hundred grand in blood money, yeah I do," she countered, her annoyance no longer hidden by the artistry of her makeup. "Not to mention, those 'civilians' have every reason not to want to be associated with the organization and I'm damn sure the MDC doesn't want their rising star's father to discredit their company."

"So you're going to trust the Third Reich's illegitimate child? Great plan-"

"Logan, shut-"

"Enough!" Alex yelled, stopping the bickering as quickly as it had begun. She rubbed her forehead as she talked. "What happened Captain…why is he back in the picture?"

"Wheeler was right," Ross said as the door clicked open and as they walked back into the garage Mike slipped her another twenty, muttering under his breath. "And that better not have been for a bet that you made on the case," the captain demanded as he quickly led them to the squad SUV at the beginning of the row.

"No sir," Logan denied as he slipped into the back seat next to his partner.

Ross didn't even bother waiting until Alex's door had closed completely before revving the sirens to life. They pulled out of the garage and made a beeline for Broadway as their captain explained the details.

"The MDC pulled strings with the people who attended the dance recital," he said as he cut a fast turn onto the main road, cars scrambling to move out of the way of the NYPD in the middle of rush hour. "Threatened to pull their children from the program if they didn't give Dereckson an alibi; Jamie Dereckson may be the daughter of a bigot, but she'll make the company famous with the ballet track she's on."

"So where was he?" Alex asked as they broke through the jagged line of cars crossing 14th street.

"Purchasing lighter fluid at a hardware store off West 134th with Edward Haswell's credit card," he replied.

"Haswell…the bookie?"

"And a lifetime member of the ANNL," Ross said as he pulled a quick maneuver through a row of cars which landed him in the turning lane to 34th Street.

"Um, Captain?" Mike said, maintaining his grip on the handle above the back seat that had become his friend. "Harlem's on the other side of Manhattan-"

"We're going to Hell's Kitchen," Ross interjected as the drivers and cabbies blocking his path finally reorganized their cars, allowing him to gun towards the Hudson. "Haswell's been taken hostage," he explained. "When you talked to Edna Grant on the day 1 PP went into lockdown, the news got her on camera. The ANNL found out we were talking to her afterwe had convinced them that we were dropping the case and put the pressure on Dereckson."

Megan sighed as Mike cursed silently under his breath, but both of Alex's eyes were focused on the path they were making to the scene. "Captain, you're not having us-"

"ESU is already there," Ross said as he turned away from the path of cars heading for the Lincoln tunnel, "but they aren't eager to negotiate with a Fascist over his scheming Nazi bookie. We need his confession."

"Are we going in?" Alex repeated firmly as they turned onto the street where cop cars encircled the entrance to the brownstone tenement. Ross didn't answer as he parked, just opened his door and said, "Get your vests on and get armed."

Mike and Megan looked at each other for a second before following, but Alex remained in her seat, wondering what the hell she did to deserve this. She'd been doing her job as best she could, talking to her family and paying attention to her fiancé; this cosmic dumping of shit on her day should not be happening. She was pulled from her brooding by Ross' knock on the passenger side window.

She unlocked the door and watched him swing it open, his expression somberly staunch. "I know you don't want to do this, Alex. I don't want you to either…frankly, I don't want any of you anywhere near this guy right now, but we need him to talk. In exactly nineteen minutes SWATs going in there and ten to one Dereckson doesn't come out alive, and frankly, you three are the best we've got." He paused before saying, "Even though you've been pulling double duty, this case has been on our desks for a long time, and the public wants answers…I just want you to know my bosses called this one, not me."

She nodded briefly before he stepped aside so she could get out of the car. She knew, as she donned the blue NYPD vest and was wired by technicians, that her captain would under no circumstances willingly put his affianced detective in the path of a desperate fascist with every reason to fire at her, but the fact was that this was her case: it was her responsibility to stop him. She knew as she, Logan, and Wheeler entered the building with guns drawn that the higher ups needed their skills as negotiators to stop this situation from getting out of hand and leaving the victims of the arson without justice, that they were looking out for the best interests of the people they protected. She knew as they ascended the stairs to the third floor that some benevolent divinity wouldn't put her in this situation if it weren't supposed to lead her to some greater understanding about life, convinced that he wouldn't endanger her freshly revived faith over an unhinged criminal…

…but as they heard a thud through the first door on the right and they rushed in to see Dereckson brandishing his gun over a frightened woman and her infant child, Haswell's unconscious body face down in the corner, Alexandra Eames knew that _someone _was damn well going to be responsible if things went wrong.

"Leave!" Dereckson yelled frantically as he stood over the terrified woman, her baby crying desperately. "If you don't leave she dies!"

"Felix, nobody wants that to happen, and I don't want to have to hurt you," Alex said, trying to prove her point by lowering her weapon only slightly, knowing the span would look a great deal larger from his vantage point. "You're not leaving us with very many choices though…you've got your gun pointed at a mother and her baby and that's not going to get you anywhere…Felix? Felix, look at me," she commanded, and like any totalitarian group member his head automatically snapped up at the sound of authority. "You can't take out your rage on them, not when Haswell's the one that's responsible."

She saw his eyes dart between her weapon and Haswell's still form. "He got you into this, didn't he? The Leauge wanted their money and he put you up for the arson…you had no choice…Felix, listen to me," she said steadily. "If he forced you to burn down that building it wasn't your fault."

Dereckson let out a strangled sob. "I'm just a plumber!" he declared through frenzied breaths. "That…that _bastard_ …I needed the money! I couldn't get a loan and I had to pay for Jamie…she's all I have…"

"She needs you," Wheeler said, attempting to calm him down. "You're daughter needs you safe and out of prison, Felix."

"She's right," Alex agreed, knowing the only way he would let them go was if he was convinced he had something to gain. "If you hurt them, Felix, there's no more absolution. If they _die_," she stressed, "It'll be on your conscience." She saw his mind toy around with the concept before adding, "Let them go…let them go and we'll make sure that they don't go after Jamie…" His eyes widened, and she knew that in his panicked mind hadn't considered that. "In a few minutes SWAT's going to come rumbling through that door. If you don't leave here no one will protect Jamie from the men who set you up," she defended. "Felix…Felix, do it for Jamie…just put down the gun."

Her eyes gently coaxed him to lower his weapon, and she could hardly believe it when he responded by falling to his knees, letting the gun fall to the floor. Logan quickly moved to apprehend him, and as Wheeler moved to pick up the gun she saw the empty barrel.

"No bullets," she said to Alex, who was trying to calm the hysterical woman and her wailing child. "He must have hit Haswell over the head with it."

Alex just bowed her head in exhaustion momentarily before speaking wearily into her wire. "Are we done here?"

…

She walked into the squad room over two hours later to see her fiancé bent over her desk. She gently cleared her throat as she neared, and he immediately turned around with a concerned, "Alex," before closing the distance and pulling her into his embrace. "Ross called," he said as he held her. "Said there was an emergency, that I should get here as soon as possible….you're okay, aren't you?" He pulled back to look at her, running his fingers along the contours of her face to confirm it for himself

She gave a small, fatigued smile. "Yeah, I'm okay," she replied, "but we missed the appointment with the florist-"

"It's okay, your sisters took care of it," he said as his hands finished the physical assessment of her face, lingering against her cheeks. She knew he could tell something was wrong through the front she was putting on, and she also knew that he understood she wouldn't want the conversation she needed to happen in the room full of her working colleagues.

She slipped her hand through his and led him into the spare conference room, closing the door softly behind them. He took a seat in the nearest chair as she hesitated next to the wall before beginning to pace; in any other circumstance, he would have brought up the reversal of their usual pattern, but as she became more and more frustrated and the speed of her strides slowed he merely stood and took her into his arms. There were no tears pouring from her eyes or angry words, only a strained exhale of frustration as she settled her head against his chest.

"It's okay to get fed up sometimes," he spoke softly, his chin resting lightly on top of her head.

"It just sucks up so much energy," she said into his shirt. "I don't think I've ever felt this much…not wanting to be here." She pulled her face back enough to look up at him confusedly. "I do still want to be here, don't I?"

He brushed back her bangs back from her forehead to give it an affectionate kiss. "I think you do," he replied. "I think that we've been through a lot and that's made work hard, but I know that once the wedding is done and things start to calm down it will go back to only slightly hectic. I think that you hate the amount of time the job takes away from your life but at the end of the day you love what you do, and I think that you wouldn't be half as happy anywhere else as you are on the force…but I want you to tell me what you think."

She smiled as her veneer of aggravation began to slowly slip away and rested her cheek against his chest. "I don't want to work another case like this," she answered truthfully, "But I think you might just be right."

A gentle knock on the door ended their private moment just before her captain stepped into the room. "Detective, you've been called upstairs."

…

Alexandra Eames was being led into the lion's den.

The secretary opened the door for her and gestured for her to go inside; she fought off her growing trepidation enough to walk calmly into the office of the Chief of Detectives.

His face was relaxed as he looked up from his computer and said, "Detective Eames, please have a seat." She noted as she sat down in the brown leather chair before his desk that he seemed less stressed than the last time she saw him, and much less irate than the time before that…

…_then again, _she thought, _awkward hospital visits to an injured detective and investigations against your partner really shouldn't count…_

"I'm sure you are aware that your case has been up for review for the past week," he said with his attention turned to the screen.

"Yes, sir, I am," she replied as she watched him continue to type away at the keyboard before turning away to focus his gaze directly upon his detective.

"Despite Captain Cragen's requests to hurry things along, we took this case very seriously," he said, the force of intent behind his eyes capable of burning retinas. "Your case involved a high profile victim, a women suspected of murdering almost twenty people, and the kidnapping of your former partner; I want you to be sure that we read through every word of the numerous files we were given."

Alex maintained her controlled appearance as she nodded, though her instincts were telling her to run before he went in for the kill; her façade nearly crumbled in confusion as he stood up and walked around to her chair, extending his hand. She shook it with slight suspicion as she asked, "Sir?"

"Detective Eames," he replied, "You and Goren have dealt with numerous high profile cases for this city and completed your assignments with dedication and an incredibly high solve rate. Granted, you two have both been known to push boundaries, but the fact is you have shown extreme dedication to your duty as cops."

He tilted his head down, escaping the strength of her questioning gaze as he said, "As a department chief you don't always see the way the job impacts the lives of the people who work for you…" He looked back up to meet her eyes. "The impacts of this case on your personal lives was all-encompassing, and you two have shown immeasurable strength. The Police Comissioner wanted to give your partner a commendation, but seeing as he retired to go into the educational sector…" He walked back to his seat, angling the computer screen to show her the subject: a list of unfilled assignments for the NYPD.

"If you accept, you will be assigned command of your own precinct," he said proudly. "Pick any of the squads on the screen, and consider it a wedding present and a sign of the New York Police Department's appreciation of both of your dedication."

Alex was stunned at the proposal of an opportunity she thought had been lost to her, seriously considering it for a minute. If she accepted, she would have control over a squad of her own, a command that most detectives would jump at the chance to have…

…but if she accepted, if she kept her eyes focused on promotions and commendations, she would be digging even deeper into the work that had slowly consumed her life; as she came to her decision she sighed, knowing she was giving up a wonderful opportunity for the chance to take her life back.

"I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline." She smiled genuinely as she said, "I would love to become a captain, but if these last few months have taught me anything it's that my life is pretty imbalanced. I'm getting married in less than two weeks, and Bobby…Detective Goren…he's my world now. If I take the job now I'll be setting myself up to have to choose between my career and my family, and I can't accept this responsibility knowing that I would be compromised in some way."

The Chief of Detectives nodded in understanding. "Well said, and be sure the offer will be open when you're ready for it," he said as she prepared to leave. "But detective?" Alex paused and looked back at the outturned screen, which had changed to vacancies in the department's special task units. "If you are interested, for the time being, in a switch to a less time consuming force…"

She looked straight into the Chief of D's eyes and for the first time in all their encounters, she found consideration on his part of her uncharacteristic career choices. She looked over the departments on the screen for a moment before pointing to the unit third down on the list and asking, "When would I start?"

…

She walked into the squad room at 8:03 PM, watching Ross, Mike, and Bobby laughing relentlessly around her desk as Megan's face turned red. "What's going on?" She asked her as she approached the group of glossy eyed men.

Mike was the first to bring his laughter under minute control, explaining, "Wheeler was just telling us about the angry hairdresser you guys left this afternoon."

"Was she really waving the iron around like a weapon?" Bobby asked as he pulled himself together.

"Hey," Megan said in her own defense against Alex's stare, "that thing was steaming and she looked pissed enough to throw it…"

Alex couldn't hold back her smile at the image of her stylist earlier that afternoon, the annoyance she felt seeming almost trivial now. "At least you didn't have enough hair for her to curl," she said, the men erupting in laughter at the return of her usual snark.

She looked around the squad room: most of the detectives had gone home or were packing up, the busy atmosphere of the day long forgotten; she knew she was going to miss this part of her job. _Well, now's as good a time as any._

"Um, guys," she said, "I, um…I'm transferring to another unit."

The group didn't even flinch as they heard the news, continuing with their laughter as if she had said she was going to take a walk through Central Park. "We got a call from the Chief of D's office thirty minutes ago," Megan explained "….so, your joining the Crime Center next month?"

"Yeah," Alex grinned. After she had explained her computer skills to the department chief he agreed that her understanding of criminal behavior would be perfect for the RTCC. "And it's on the eighth floor, so don't think I won't be coming in here regularly to annoy you."

"Are you going to be getting calls from work at 4 AM?" Bobby asked as he calmed down.

She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck as she gave him a soft kiss. "I'll be working database computers ten to six, Monday through Friday," she said contentedly. "Besides," she added, her eyes shining impishly, "I think our nights will be occupied with something besides my captain's telephone calls."

Ross' face quickly turned an embarrassed scarlet, and as they all laughed at the reference to their captain's over-enthusiasm, Alex finally felt like things were finally starting to go her way.

**A/N: Next chapter is the one we've all been waiting for, so R&R to give me some encouragement… : )**


	14. Union

**A/N: You have no clue how much I wanted to just skip ahead to this chapter, but alas, this story has to be written properly…anyway, on with the wedding!**

The first thing Alexandra Eames did when she opened her eyes the morning of the twenty-fourth of December was scream.

Two gigantic blue eyes were set only centimeters from her own, gaping at her through blond hair that had slightly outgrown its maintained length. "I scared Aunt Alex!" He squealed as she gained control of her startled vocal chords, sitting up on the bed to bounce gleefully. Her eyes narrowed as she grabbed him by the waist and rolled him over, tickling him mercilessly.

"Nate, one of these days your adventures are going to get you into trouble," she said as she pulled her hands back slightly to watch his small body wiggle under the threat of her poised fingers, "and I know your mom told you to stop waking people up that way."

"But Momma, she said…" he responded, tilting his head innocently to the side. "She said I should come wake you up…"

Alex looked towards the silver alarm clock on the side of the bed and sighed at the red lights that flashed 8:45 AM. Giving Nathan one last poke, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and walked to the window. For a winter morning in East Flatbush, New York, the sun was shining unusually bright against the snow filled yard as her niece and nephew throw snowballs over its icy embankments. She smiled as she watched them play, marveling at the fact that ten years from now she could be watching her own children running pink cheeked through their own backyard.

Spending the night at her parent's house was not hers or her fiance's idea, and the afternoon before she had tried her hardest to get her sisters to change their minds, but at the insistence of her mother she dropped her argument.

"Trust me," Anne Eames had said as she dragged her daughter out the door. "You'll be glad you had a little time to yourself before it all belongs to him."

At the time she had brushed it off with a sarcastic remark, but as she stood next to the window she let her thoughts drift around the future she was turning from a dream into a reality. It hadn't truly hit her when they had filled out their marriage license two days prior, or at the rehearsal dinner the night before, or even as she kissed Bobby goodbye for the last time as her fiance nine hours ago…

…but now, as she leaned against the white linen curtains of her childhood bedroom's window, the realization that this was the day she would be joined to him forever finally came over her in strong waves. There was no anxiety, no nervousness, only joy as two beads of moisture made their way down her left cheek.

"Aunt Alex?" she heard, tilting her head to look down at her curious nephew. "Why are you crying?" His eyes widened, his fast paced mind already at work on a solution. "I know! We'll get Bobby to bring you a balloon!"

She laughed, brushing the stray tears from her face. "Honey, we don't get to see Bobby for a while…"

"Why?" He asked adamantly.

"I don't know," she said as she ruffled his hair. "But if you let me get dressed for a little bit I'll help you make some of Grandma's hot coco."

"'Kay," he said as he rubbed a bleary eye and left the room; Alex knew he wasn't used to getting such little sleep.

She headed for the bathroom that had linked her and Elise's room with their brothers', turning the tap in the shower as warm as it would go. She pulled her t-shirt over her head and undid the drawstring to her pajama bottoms before stepping into the jet stream. She let the spray flow over her body before angling her entire face into the steaming water, allowing her mind to wrap itself around the dream that had dominated her night.

_She stood on top of a snow-covered hill, wrapped in a navy-blue scarf and her long woolen coat. She didn't know how she had gotten here, only that for some reason the expanse of burmed landscape was being lit by the peach arctic sun rising over a vast ocean. It didn't matter that it must have been many degrees below freezing because in her mind she felt only slightly chilled, and as she shook the hardening ice from her boot she wondered where he was._

"_Lexy!" she heard his voice call a second later. She turned to watch him walk up the hill towards her, smiling broadly. _

"_Hi Joe," she said softly with a gentle smile._

_He came up to her and gave her a hug. "You look great," he said as he pulled back to look at her. _

"_Thanks," she said as she stuffed her hands inside her coat sleeves. "I'd say the same, but…considering…"_

"_Yeah," he said sympathetically, as he turned towards the rising light in the eastern sky. "I'm really sorry about how things got left, Lex…trust me, that was not the way I would have chosen to go…"_

"_It's okay," she replied as she turned to see the vermillion rays melding with the tangerine beams that flickered on the surface of the water. "It was hard, and then when I had to go through it again it was just as painful…but it's easier when I can think of you like this…"_

"…_like when I was alive?"_

_She turned her head to meet his questioning gaze, responding, "Yeah," before turning back to face the ocean. She didn't know what else to say; his death had turned her world on its head, and reliving it had only made her heart ache from the memory of the initial pain._

"_You know I loved you," he said gently as he watched the ball of light flicker in the sky._

"_I know," she said, her soft voice refusing to betray the tear that slid its way down her cheek._

"_Lex, look at me," he requested, her auburn eyes leaving the picturesque scene to meet his. "I'm dead, and it's been ten years. I understand that you've changed. You love him and I want you to know that it's okay to not feel guilty."_

_She took her right hand from her sleeve to wipe the drop from her face, and somehow she had expected that he would know what was driving her emotions. "You're right, I don't feel guilty about marrying him, Joe. I love him…I'm not the same person that I was before, and he completes who I am now." She took a deep breath though she knew what she was breathing was not real air. "If things had happened differently maybe I would have gone in a completely different direction, but I feel like…"_

"_It's okay, Lex," he told her, "You can say it…"_

_She sighed as she said, "I feel like I'm a stronger person now because…because he's made me better…and I don't know if that makes me the bad guy in this or-"_

"_Lexy, you were never the bad guy." He gave her free hand a squeeze. "Sometimes things happen, and you have to realize that there's nothing wrong with being happy." _

_She smiled kindly. "Thank you." They returned their attention to the sunrise, the frozen landscape sparkling under the light._

"_You know," she said as she watched the ripples in the water, "I never would have thought heaven would be cold."_

"_I guess it's all about the way you look at it," he responded. "God's idea of perfection doesn't always follow human beings'."_

"_It's beautiful." She watched as he turned back towards her, his face down turned._

"_It's time to go back now, Lex," he said._

"_Can I ask one last question?"_

"_Sure."_

"_Is He really just some bearded deity on a giant cloud?"_

_He laughed as he seemed to fade along with the landscape, his voice everywhere yet nowhere at the same time._

"_He's everything, Lex…everything."_

She opened her eyes to the sound of sharp persistent banging on the bathroom door. _Nathan, _she thought, realizing she must have been in the shower much longer than a little bit. She turned off the water and stepped out to grab a towel and dry off before donning the jeans and button down shirt her sisters had instructed her to wear. She opened the door to see her nephew with his hand raised in mid-knock.

"Come on, Nate," she said as she secured her hair with a clip. "Let's go get you some hot chocolate."

…

"So…you nervous?"

"No."

Bobby took a sip of coffee from the mug as Lewis sat on the opposite side of the booth, staring at him in disbelief. From the moment his best friend had woken him up there had been an endless string of questions centered around his pre-wedding jitters, but the extent of Bobby's deviation from routine was solely when he looked groggily into his best man's eyes after being forcefully shaken from sleep and said, "You are definitely not Alex."

He proceeded to go about his activities with remarkable calm, showering and getting dressed as habitually as if it were any other day before grabbing his coat and taking Lewis to the cafe down the street where he would meet the rest of the groomsmen. They sat in his usual booth as he ordered and ate, leaving Lewis to wonder if someone had replaced his buddy with a cyborg.

"Bobby," he said as he toyed with his hash browns. "Are you worried?"

"No."

"Do you have even slightly chilled feet?"

"Lewis-"

"Then what the hell is wrong with you!"

Bobby looked up as his friend's fork clattered onto the plate, his facial expression oozing unease. "Nothing's wrong with me," he said, taking another sip of his coffee. "I feel-"

"Fine, I know! You told me that already," his best man said as he threw his hands in the air. "But you're not leaving me with many options…"

"Options?"

"For Christ sake!" Lewis said in vexation, "My biggest responsibilities are getting you insanely drunk the night before your wedding and making sure you get to the church on time, and since you stopped drinking after your second beer-"

"Would you want a hangover on your wedding day?"

"That's besides the point!" Lewis exclaimed. As the people in the surrounding booths turned to see where the one-sided argument was coming from he lowered his voice and whispered in irritation, "My only job is keeping you stress-free, and when the guys get here and see you sitting with your feathers unruffled I'm going to get a hell of a lot of shit."

Bobby rolled his eyes. "Lewis, I'm fine," he said as he put down the empty mug. "Tell them you scared the shit out of me when you woke me up…that'll get their attention…"

"Because you wanted to find your fiancé in your bed and take a nice romp around the sheets?" The frustrated groomsman ran his hand through his hair. "Look, Bobby," he tried to reason, "you are getting married in six hours and I'm the one that's a wreck-"

A knock on the window next to the booth made the bickering duo turn to see Deakins, Ross, and Logan staring bemusedly at them from the sidewalk.

"Midol, Lewis?" Mike's muffled voice carried through the window.

Lewis shot him an aggravated glare, which only met Mike's smug grin. The three men entered the coffee shop laughing and slid into the booth alongside Bobby and Lewis. "Doing well Bobby?" Deakins asked, Bobby nodding as his best man slowly shook his head back and forth in frustration. "Maybe I should have asked Lewis that question, since he seems to be giving everyone mixed signals-"

"Yeah," Mike said, "You'd think he's the one getting married to Alex."

"If only," Lewis sighed as he picked through his scrambled eggs. "That woman is the only female who will _ever_ get in the backseat of my '37 Packard."

"And that," said John Eames as he strolled up to the table, "Is why you will never get married."

Lewis blushed. "Uh, I never…your daughter…I…uh…" his embarrassed stuttering turned into muffled murmurs as he grumbled to himself.

"Hey Tommy," Bobby said to his soon to be nephew. "Nathan finally decided?"

"Yeah," the eleven year old said as he scratched his head. "I think he got enough of being the ring bearer at Uncle Sam's wedding, so…"

"…so?"

Tommy looked up at him with a weirded out expression. "So he's going to be the flower girl."

Ross choked on his glass of water and Mike snickered to himself while Deakins exchanged a knowing look with Alex's father. Lewis smiled for the first time in the conversation and said, "Right on," as Bobby grinned from ear to ear.

"The boy likes roses," John justified.

"And he loves his Aunt," Bobby added as the waitress came up and refilled his cup of coffee. "Thanks," he said as she gave a quick smile before heading to the next table. "Kids are supposed to be into androgyny at that age, right?"

"My girls refused to wear dresses when they were his age," Deakins concurred.

"Jeremy played with Barbies before his little brother came along," Ross admitted. When Mike turned to look at him questioningly he responded with a shrug, "He figured out that he could attract more girls with a cute toddler than by playing dolls with them."

"'At a boy," Logan said before whistling to the sound of Wonderful Christmastime streaming through the speakers.

"I never understood why He-Man never got cooler clothes…" Lewis started.

"Probably because he barely wears any," Bobby said.

"Who's He-Man?" Tommy asked, the conversation taking on a whole new level of strange.

"Think G.I. Joe only bigger muscles," Ross simplified.

"Um, guys?" Bobby said, gesturing at the clock. "We should start heading back to my apartment."

The group started shuffling out towards the bright winter morning. "Good for Nathan; that kind of gender revolution is what the sixties were all about," Lewis said into the cold air, his breath making puffs of vapor appear.

"Lewis, you spent the majority of the sixties learning how to speak coherent sentences," John countered, "but you're right."

"Thank you!" He exclaimed, glad to have finally done something right.

"He may be the only flower boy in Manhattan," Mike said, "but at least he'll be the trend setter for all the kids you guys end up having…"

"Hmm?" Bobby asked, catching only part of the conversation as he fumbled for his keys through his jacket pocket.

"Ten to one Alex ends up pregnant in less than a month," Lewis stated matter-of –factly.

"Um…"Bobby started as his cheeks took on more color than solely the icy morning could provide, the front door to the building clicking open.

"Just make sure I have a boy cousin," Tommy said as they walked towards the door to his apartment. "Girls are nuts."

Bobby dropped his keys is surprise as the men broke out in laughter. Ross picked them up and unlocked the door as the groom stood there awkwardly. "As long as she doesn't take too long of a maternity leave," he said as they all moved inside, "the department shouldn't get on your case about your robbing them of the last of their power duo."

"Ouch, that's pretty harsh," Logan said in mock offense.

"If you ever impregnate your partner," Deakins said, grabbing his tux from the closet, "Then you get to talk."

Mike grimaced. "I think I'd rather tie my own balls in a sling before letting Meg get at 'em." He reached for the shoebox he left on the floor the night before. "I'd like to keep my ability to procreate, thank you."

"She would kick your a- butt," Lewis started to curse before he looked at Tommy's expectant eyes.

"I wouldn't even mind that," Mike admitted, removing the black dress shoes from the box, "but something tells me she'd go straight for the source."

"That doesn't sound like it'll be a problem for our guy," Lewis ragged as Bobby kept his embarrassed head down.

"As long as Goren's sperm swim downstream," Mike declared, "She'll be carrying quints by the end of the year."

"_Logan_," John Eames touchy voice tried to warn, but it was too late. Tommy looked up from his suit and cocked his head to the side in curiosity.

"What are sperm?" He asked in confusion, Alex's father glaring at the now awkward detective.

While the men tried to give Tommy an impromptu lesson in the birds and bees, the women were piling into their cars after their hair appointment. Alex's sister Elise drove the minivan with the bride and her wedding party as her mother followed with the girls and Nathan in her Volvo.

"So the dress is at the Church?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, your dress, our dresses, Nate's tux…" Elise sighed. "Kids are supposed to be into androgyny at that age, right?"

"It's fine, Lise," Becky said as she checked her makeup in the rear-view mirror.

"I just don't want him getting teased is all…" she explained. "Ever since he said that Lego structure Joey built was beautiful the boys in his kindergarten class have been giving him hell-"

"So he's a gentleman," Jane shrugged, unconcerned. "Ten to one he gets into a committed relationship before any of them."

Megan smiled. "I'll bet he has the girls in the class eating out of the palm of his hand…"

Elise grinned. "He's definitely a charmer…I guess it really isn't a big deal."

"No, it's not," Alex agreed as they pulled into the church's parking lot. "Nathan's got a creative soul and a love for flowers; he'll be every parent's dream when he starts dating…"

"Um, Alex?" Elise said as she put the car in park. "Technically, he kind of already has-"

"What?" she said at the new revelation. "When? When did this happen?"

"About two weeks ago, I picked Nate up from school and…"

"And?"

"When I walked into the room Gracie Owens was giving Nate a peck on the cheek."

"Wait, wait, wait," Alex said as they walked towards the back entrance, "The same Gracie who threw mud at him for calling her pretty? The same Gracie who wouldn't play tag with him?"

"Yeah," Elise said as she held open the door for her caravan. "Last month some of the older boys made fun of Gracie's hair and said it was nappy…the other boys didn't know what that meant but they stopped playing with her. The yard duty said she saw her crying when Nate came up to her and told her that he thought her hair was, and I quote, 'Really pretty…like chocolate pretty'."

"Awww," Becky said as she grabbed her crimson colored dress from the rack. "That is the sweetest thing I think I've ever heard a boy say to a girl before they've hit puberty."

"I have a picture," Elise said as she dug through her purse. "Ah, here it is," she said, pulling out her digital camera. The girls gathered round to see her blond, bright eyed son holding the hand of a strikingly pretty child with a coffee colored complexion.

"Wow," Megan said, "She's a looker."

"Her parents came in about the same time I did, and since she and Nathan are 'involved' I thought it would be nice to invite them to the wedding, I hope you don't mind Alex..."

"Not at all," she smiled, "I'd love to see my little guy's main squeeze."

Elise clicked the arrow to switch to the next picture of Gracie standing next to her mother and father. "Her dad's an American engineer and her mom's a Jamaican professor…I think she teaches at Rose Hill in the Bronx…"

"Oh my gosh," Alex said. "That's her!"

The girls turned to see her pulling her phone from her pocket and dialing an all to familiar number.

"No!" Becky yelled as she grabbed it from her hand. "No talking to the groom before the wedding."

"It's a stupid rule," Alex said as she tried to take her cell back.

"But it's a rule," Jane said. "How do you know her?"

"I don't," she admitted, "But the person you just described sounds exactly like the woman who helped interview Bobby at Fordham, and since I'm assuming Nate is so anxious to be the flower boy because his girlfriend will be watching-"

"-We might want to give Bobby a heads up before he thinks the criminology department is stalking him on his wedding day…" Becky agreed as she stepped to the side and made a call to her father in law.

The women had just finished dressing as Becky came back with a broad smile on her face. "Jane?" she asked as the girls helped Alex step into her gown.

"Yeah?" She said as she started fastening the long row of silk buttons that held the dress in place.

"I think your son is learning where babies really come from."

"What!" Jane said in shock.

"Um, apparently, one of the guys let something slip…"

Alex shook her head back and forth in an of course moment while Megan just muttered, "Logan."

"…and now Tommy has a whole new list of words to add to his vocabulary."

Jane turned to Megan as she secured the eyehook at the top of Alex's wedding gown. "When you get the chance, please do me a favor and kick your partner in the balls?"

"Trust me," she said knowingly, "I'll bet your father has already destroyed his ability to have children."

As the girls got themselves ready, the doors of Lewis' classic car opened onto the sidewalk in front of the church. "So that's the way it really happens?" Tommy asked as he climbed out into the street.

"Yeah," Bobby said as he finished explaining. "Sorry if it seemed like you got lied to…"

"I still don't really understand," the eleven year old said honestly, "but at least this story makes more sense."

Lewis walked up to Bobby and pointed to the SUV which Mike Logan climbed out of somberly followed by James Deakins, Danny Ross, and John Eames. "Looks like he got an earful…I almost feel kind of bad for throwing him to the lions."

Bobby stifled a laugh as he remembered the men insisting that Tommy rode with Lewis and Bobby so they could have a "heart-to-heart" with Mike. Instead of insisting that his four-seater could easily hold another person, the best man simply bowed his head and took control of the steering wheel.

"Almost," Bobby joked as they followed them inside.

Only two hours before the wedding, people were already arriving and entering the church. Bible study had just gotten out half an hour before, and the couple had already told the pastor that they were welcome to come watch the wedding. While the other guests began pouring in through the building's front doors the groomsmen headed to a room upstairs to wait.

As soon as the last person in closed the door, John came up to Bobby and told him the reason for Nathan's motivation as a petal flinger. "Wow," he laughed after he heard the whole story, "Nate's got himself a girlfriend?"

"Apparently," John said with a smile.

"For the sake of my job, I hope he doesn't break her heart," he joked before the pastor entered the room and took him aside to go over last minute details.

Time seemed to pass quickly inside the small room. Bobby went over the job of ring bearer for Tommy while John Eames and James Deakins met with the photographer and the church's guitarist and Mike and Lewis joked about the overkill of wedding planning, Ross making a last minute phone call to check up on his sons.

By the time it hit 4:45, the men had been so busy bestowing pearls of wisdom on the groom they didn't notice the pastor's wife step inside the room until she cleared her throat and said, "It's time."

The groomsmen looked towards their leader, expecting him to finally show some semblance of nervousness, but he just nodded and said, "I know," as he walked towards the door.

While the groom took his place at the head of the aisle with extraordinary calm, his bride was not holding together as well.

"Where's Dad?" She asked as she frantically tried to snatch her cell phone from her sister's hand for the second time.

"Alex, chill," Elise said as she dangled the silver bar over her head.

"Using your height against me is cheating!" She said, trying to achieve lift despite the weighty train of her dress and the inconvenience of her heels.

"It's not my fault that you take after mom."

"Look, Elise, if you don't give me the phone I swear-"

"Elise Amelia Eames!"

The sisters turned around to see their father coming over and swiftly removing the phone from Elise's hand. "Don't torment your sister," he chastised before turning to face his flustered daughter.

"Dad, I'm nervous-"

"I know, honey, I know…"

"No, Dad, I'm not nervous about getting married to him," she said as she pulled a stray curl back into the chignon. "I'm nervous that I'm not going to make it to the alter." She took her father's hand and raised it to her rapidly beating pulse line. "Do you have any clue how to stop my heartbeat from ignoring my brain?"

John Eames laughed and pulled his daughter into his embrace. "Honey, I'm afraid the only way that's going to stop is when you get to him," he said as the sound of the start of their processional music streamed through the room. "Ready?"

She smiled. "I've been ready for a long time."

…

Bobby stood at the head of the church, as the sound of guitar poured through the church as the lead started singing.

_It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart_

_Without saying a word, you can light up the dark_

_Try as I may I could never explain_

_What I hear when you don't say a thing_

Nathan led the line, scattering rose petals happily down the cloth-lined aisle, followed by his cousin carrying a white pillow topped with two wine red roses, each tied off with a ribbon that secured a silk pouch; trailing closely behind were Elise and Lewis, Becky and Ross, and Jane and Deakins walking with interlinked arms in time with the music. Bobby knew what was coming next, but he could hardly contain his frantically beating heart as he saw John Eames lead his daughter down the aisle.

_The smile on your face let's me know that you need me_

_There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me_

_The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall_

_You say it best, when you say nothing at all_

The crowd turned to watch the smiling bride slowly move down the walkway. She was beautiful, her hair pulled into a twist as wavy locks framed her glowing face, holding a bouquet of burgundy red roses in front of her intricately laced bodice as the gown's taffeta train flowed behind her.

_The smile on your face let me know that you need me, _the lead sang as she reached the front of the church, turning to her father to give him a kiss on the cheek before ascending the steps to stand across from the man who would soon become her husband.

_There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me_

_The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall_

Bobby reached his hand up to cup her cheek, and as she leaned into the caress of his palm she smiled; the message they sent to each other through glowing brown eyes needed no explanation.

_You say it best, when you say nothing at all_

"When the couple you see before you came to this church," the pastor began, "they said very openly that they had not been religious for quite some time, and that the moment each began to have faith again was when they first realized their love for the other. In that spirit, they asked if we would host the wedding on the eve of one of the holiest days of the year, the night of the birth of a child that's been deemed a miracle.

"He was to become the symbol of God's eternal love, and as we witness the union of Alexandra Eames and Robert Goren you will see the beauty of two people whose lives have been blessed through the shared joy of love and their renewed faith in life."

The preacher smiled as he stepped back. "Before they are united under God, both Robert and Alexandra have chosen to exchange rings with their own words."

Tommy walked up from his seat in the first pew and handed each rose to its giver. Alex looked down at the blossom, its crimson petals smooth beneath her touch. "Bobby," she started, pausing as she tried to restrain the threatening moisture behind her eyes. "You constantly tell me how you can't believe I fell in love with you…how lucky you are to have me…but you don't even realize how much…" She shut her eyes for a second and took a deep breath, urging herself to go ahead. "…how much you've completely changed my world."

"You the strongest person I've ever known," she declared as she looked straight into his eyes. "Your dedication to everything and everyone in your life is so total…the way you've put a name and a face to every case we've worked…the unyielding devotion you gave your mother…the way you love me." A beaded drop slipped down her cheek, and she realized that she had lost the battle. "You love me so deeply that sometimes when I think about it I can barely breathe, because you give all of yourself to it…you've been through hell and back, but you have never, ever stopped one single eddy in the flood of love you've given me. When you asked me to be your wife, I was the one who could hardly believe it…I could hardly believe that I was fortunate enough to be the one you would share your life with, that you would give me all of your heart for every moment of the rest of our lives…" She smiled through the soft tears that were gently cascading down her face. "But its true, and we're here now, in front of a God that you gave me the courage to trust again…"

"…and I can't wait to be your wife. I can't wait to have children with you, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life growing up and growing old with you…with you, Bobby," she said earnestly, reaching her hand up to caress his own tear-stained cheek. "You have made me a stronger person just by knowing you, and a better friend by having the chance to be yours…you have taught me how to love more deeply than I'd ever known I could…Bobby, don't you see that _I'm_ the one who's lucky?"

She brought her hand back down to pull on the end of the ribbon that secured its silk pouch to the rose's stem and draw out a small platinum band. "This ring," she said as she took his left hand in hers, "is a symbol of my promise to love you with everything I have, to dedicate myself to you in every aspect of my life…forever…" She turned it slightly so that the inside of the band was visible in the fading light. "The inscription says 'I carry your heart with me', and for the rest of my life," she declared as she slipped the band onto his ring finger, "I promise to cherish it."

By that time, any of those who had just witnessed her heartfelt declaration and had dry eyes had cried so completely that there was no more moisture left in their system. The attendants had all managed to mop their tears back with handkerchiefs; Alex's mother had clasped onto her husband's hand for dear life as she wept. Even the pastor's eyes were puffy from the complete and utter assault his tear ducts.

"Alex," he began, fighting the urge to take her in his arms and hold her until his legs could no longer support him. "There are so many things I could say to you, so many reasons why I love you…" He paused as he held back a strangled breath, his eyes shedding a new flood of tears. "So I'm going to try to say the best of them as candidly as I can."

He took her left hand in his. "Baby, you're the most beautiful person I've ever known. I love every inch of your body, and you fit into my arms so perfectly that I can't imagine holding anyone else…sometimes I'm amazed I can even touch you, that I'm not dreaming when I feel your lips against mine, and your eyes…Alex, I could fall into your eyes and stay there forever, because they're just reflections of your amazing soul."

He smiled as he rubbed his thumb along the ridge of her tearstained cheekbone. "You're heart is impossibly big, and if I even start talking about the completely selfless things you do each and every day we'll be here til next Christmas." The audience sounded in gentle laughter as he continued. "You care about everyone, and you always manage to open yourself up to the good in people before the seeing the bad…it's what makes you a great cop, an even greater human being, and the only woman I've ever truly loved. You save me from falling into myself because I can always fall into you, your warmth, your trust…your love. If I had even known one billionth of what your love could feel like I would have searched the entire world for you ages ago…I never knew what it was like to love someone so completely before I knew there was a you to give it to."

"You are my ideal in every way, and the thing that makes you beyond human, the thing that tells me that He is up there, guiding us in every move we make is that you love me too…and I've known from the moment I realized I was falling that you _had_ to be the one I was meant to give my heart to."

He reached for the rose in his right hand and tilted the pouch so that the circlet fell into the slope of his palm. "I know how much you love your ring, not because it's extravagant or covered in diamonds, but because of what it represents…and how well it represents it. It signifies how true love often lies under the surface." He took the ring that sat at the base of her left hand and gently slipped it off her finger. "But I'm changing that."

He tilted his palm towards her to show her the royal blue strip of sapphire pierced with a circular gap. "From this moment on I promise to let everyone know the strength of our union," he said as he placed the waved jewel loop between the platinum hoops, the close fit creating a solid disc of the diamond ring. "With this ring, I vow to actively show the world how deeply your love has shaped me to be your husband…"

He moved their joined hands to rest against her heart. "…to show the world how thankful I am to call you my wife."

The eyes that had once felt drained of their capacity had gushed streams of tears all over again to the point that even Nathan was gulping down air in the first row to settle his running eyes and nose. The pastor came once again to the couple's side, wiping his eyes as he said, "Robert Orson Goren, do you take Alexandra Marie Eames as your wife to live together in holy marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?"

"I do," he promised, his eyes pouring his surety into hers.

"Alexandra Marie Eames, do you take Robert Orson Goren as your husband to live together in holy marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor, and keep him in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?"

"I do," she promised with equal conviction.

"With God bearing witness and the power invested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you husband and wife," the pastor declared happily. "You may sanctify your union with a kiss."

Bobby wasted no time in wrapping his arms around his bride and pulling her into his embrace as he captured her lips in a deep, amorous kiss, and in the totality of his hold she could not hear the sound of enthusiastic applause, or the whistles that came from Lewis and Mike in the first row, or the steady bawling of her mother as her father held her close…

…all she could hear was the reverberating sound of the word _husband _ringing throughout her mind, knowing she was inextricably bound to him for life...

…and damn proud of it.

As their lips parted she laid her head against his chest, taking in the now steady rhythm of his heartbeat as she whispered, "I love you."

He smiled and pressed a kiss against her bangs. "I love you too."

…

They sat in the backseat of the '37 Packard sedan, her head resting against his chest listening to him breathe comfortably. She wished this moment would never end, that she could lie with him in the backseat of this car for an eternity, but as she heard Lewis shout "We're here!" over the blanketed divide she knew that reality was waiting for them.

"Alex," his voice thrummed against her ear. "Alex, you awake?"

"Yeah," she said as she opened her eyes, tilting her chin around his torso to peer up at the snowy hotel outside. "The windows…" she said as she realized the unusual depth of the darkness.

"They're tinted," he said quietly, moving his arm to the uncovered expanse of her upper back. His palm flexed against the dip in her shoulder blades, exhaling a soft breath. "You know," he said as he used his free hand to brush back stray strands of hair, "we could just stay here for a few more minutes…I kind of like having you in this position…" He bowed his head to meet hers in a long, drawn out kiss.

"Hey guys!" they heard Lewis yell through the partition. "If you even think of having sex in the back seat of this car…."

"Or not…" she said as she sadly relinquished her hold on his lips. She sighed and looked to see as Lewis came around to their door and knocked.

"Don't even think about it," his muffled voice said as she attempted one final kiss.

"Fine," he said unenthusiastically as she rolled her eyes. The door opened into the winter night, Lewis pointing to the sliding doors of the Marriott and saying, "They're waiting."

…

"And now to turn the mike over," the singer spoke into the microphone, "Edward Eames would like to play a song for the newly married couple."

Bobby and Alex watched from their table as her brother walked onto the stage. "Hi-" he said before adjusting the stand to bring it to his eye level. "Hi sis," he spoke awkwardly into the mike. "Um…I guess…I just wanted to say…" he looked to the floor for a second before speaking up. "You're my kid sister…I may not be as cuddly as Sam but we've always been pretty close…I guess it's the shared sarcasm." He looked towards their table with a smile. "You always said that there was someone out there for me, but I never really took it to heart," he said as he fiddled with his tie. "I guess seeing you with Bobby, seeing how happy you are…I just wanted you to know that it gave me hope…" He picked up the acoustic guitar from its stand. "Anyway, I'd like to dedicate this song to you two and your marriage, which if the past few weeks have been any sort of indicator, will go great." He settled the strap over his head as he started strumming. "This song's by a pretty awesome guy named Dave Mathews."

Bobby stood up and led Alex to the center of the floor as the band started up and her brother began to sing.

_Where are you going, with your long face pulling down?_

_Don't hide away, like an ocean_

_That you can't see but you can smell_

_And the sound of waves crash down._

_I am no superman._

_I have no reasons for you_

_I am no hero, Aww that's for sure_

_But I do know one thing:_

_Is where you are is where I belong._

_I do know, where you go, is where I wanna be._

Bobby dipped her before bringing her back up to meet his lips in a brief kiss. They held onto each other as they danced, her arms resting around his shoulders as his hands sat on her waist. As Bobby turned her she laughed, watching as the first couple to join them on the floor was her blond haired nephew and his young 'date'.

_Where are you going? Where do you go?_

_Are you lookin' for answers to questions under the stars?_

_Well if along the way you are growin weary, you can rest with me_

_Until a brighter day, you're ok._

Slowly they became surrounded by couples and friends, families and colleagues. Her brother smiled as he sang onstage, crooning the last words.

_Where are you goin'? Where do you go?_

_Tell me where are you going?_

_Where? Let's go._

The reception went on into the night and was possibly the most joyous celebration in the history of the Brooklyn Marriott's Christmas Eves. The dinner was so delicious Mike started to grumble about the crap they served in 1 Police Plaza's cafeteria, and as Bobby and Alex fed each other cake Megan followed Nathan's example and smooshed the fluffy chocolate in her complaining partner's face. Much like Gracie, Logan's initial shock at the creamy frosting coating his face was replaced with its rich taste.

"Not bad," he admitted as the crowd laughed at the rambunctious five year old being chased around the ballroom floor by his girlfriend.

The time seemed to fly, and before anyone knew it a steady tapping came over the speakers as Danny Ross, James Deakins, Mike Logan, and Megan Wheeler gathered around the microphone.

"Hi everyone," Deakins' voice resonated throughout the room. "I hate to interrupt when you all are obviously having a good time, but seeing as it will be midnight in about two minutes…"

Ross stepped up to the microphone. "Goren…and I guess now, Goren," he said as those from Major Case chuckled. "Okay, Bobby and Alex, I know you've both been wondering what's been going on with my poorly timed calls, or why James Deakins and Mike Logan have been popping by more often over the last few weeks, or why Megan Wheeler's been by Alex's side for about seventy five percent of her day…and the answer is yes, we've been up to something."

"The fact is, the idea of you guys not getting a break after all the time you've been putting into work didn't really sit well with us," Mike followed. "So we asked your relatives, other detectives…even my man Lewis what kind of places you liked to go to relax, and frankly, no one really knew; neither of you guys have been on an actual vacation in so long that we didn't really know what to do-"

"-Not that it's really your fault," Megan justified. "The squad kind of sucks up all your free time-"

"-Megan's right, nobody's criticizing you…" Mike started, "But really, you two need to relax, and since you did just commit yourself to a life of constant devotion…"

Alex felt a tap on her shoulder as her father handed her an envelope. She slipped her pinky under the edge and dragged it along its length as Bobby hovered next to her shoulder. They both gasped as she pulled out two plane tickets for Puerto Rico, the four on stage yelling, "Merry Christmas!"

"Okay, so we know you hate the beach," Megan said happily, "But it's actually _warm_ there right now, and San Juan is full of beautiful architecture, not to mention the scenery is gorgeous-"

"-Not to mention," Mike said with his usual roguish charm. "We figured you guys would probably spend a lot of time in the room, uh, otherwise occupied…"

Bobby and Alex laughed as Ross and Deakins exchanged looks and Megan put her head in her hands. "That is not what we said," Ross criticized.

"But you know you all were thinking it," he countered.

As they moved off the stage to chastise Logan's thick-headedness, John Eames pointed over Alex's shoulder to the ticket information. "You might want to take another look at the time," he advised.

"Crap," she said as she glanced again. "Our plane leaves in six hours?"

"Don't worry," her mother said as she came up behind her. "Your sisters have packed your clothes, and Lewis raided Bobby's apartment. You guys are set."

Bobby put his hand on her shoulder, understanding the real reason behind her frown. "It's okay," he whispered beside her ear. "Putting it off for another twelve hours won't do any damage."

"Bobby," she argued softly, "It's called a 'wedding night' for a reason…"

"Sunlight's never stopped us before," he murmured into her ear.

She smiled as he kissed her cheek and said, "We'd better go change."

They stood up as Lewis walked up and said, "The car's packed whenever you're ready."

Their guests followed them out to the hotel's entrance, watching as Bobby opened the door so Alex could scoot in before following her into the back seat. They waved goodbye over the down turned window as their car sped away. She let her body settle against his once again, tilting her face up in a gentle smile.

"Happy?" he asked as he cupped her face in his hand.

"Ecstatic," she replied before kissing him, his arms settling on her hips as she raised her hands up to settle on his shoulders. Her fingers began to run through his hair before hearing a loud throat clearing.

"No sex in the Packard!" their driver's voice yelled through the partition.

They pulled back from each other's lips as she resettled in Bobby's arms. "A married man has needs, Lewis!" he said loudly as Alex laughed.

"Yeah, well save 'em for Puerto Rico," he called back, leaving Bobby and Alex to enjoy the next few hours in chaste amusement.


End file.
